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Re the camera angles: I think it could work as-is if you do more extensive testing and tweaking to make sure the camera angles don't obscure important areas (like in the office section, it was really hard to find the eye hallway door), they don't flip around too dramatically/quickly when the player moves through a zone, and they don't result in clipping or losing the player character (sometimes I'd vanish from camera sight or the camera would look through my model). Also ensure they don't cause friction during the chase sequences. The concept of the security cameras is great and helps silently contribute to the story, so I think finding a way to make them feel seamless to the player experience could enhance the overall game. 

I think the mouse pointing would definitely help. Maybe even try out something like click to move. Having to rotate the character before moving was probably the biggest downside of the game for me. It added a lot of frustration and made exploration feel more tedious - steering around wasn't really an important mechanic, if you think about it, as the gameplay is about the exploration and story. I got the feeling that it was meant for controller play, although the ending is obviously one meant for PC users.  Adjusting the core movement mechanics will probably also remove most of the friction from the camera angles.

Re references: I didn't mind the extraneous stuff, and I'd suggest adding in more of it when you expand the game. It'll help obfuscate the main plot with red herrings - maybe add some more details which hint towards the demonic angle you teased with the exorcism book, for example. This will make it less obvious that it's just an AI gone rogue. Including more interactive elements with it, such as making the arcade cabinet playable (ala Stardew Valley tavern) will also help flesh out general gameplay runtime.

Re: the office, having some more interactive stuff there would definitely help. Maybe lockpick a filing cabinet  (btw were we supposed to ever solve the keypad for Nick's room?) or some stuff like that to find more clues. Static details like a whiteboard or kanban board showing development timelines (maybe fallen over and player has to rearrange them into order based on swimlane tags to reveal the AI roadmap), known bugs (that one definitely has some fun clue potential!), hate mail from a crazy fan, etc could also help enhance the story. I think definitely keep some of the journal entries around the house, as well as add more things like the electricity magazine - these add intrigue, create story hooks and get the player invested in what's going to happen next. 

Re: eye fetch, maybe consider brainstorming a whole rework to this entire part of the game. Why would a video game company have eyeballs chilling out in rooms in the first place? It doesn't make sense narratively, it doesn't move the story forward, and the mechanics are dull - maybe there's a way you could address all those issues at once. This is the penultimate part of the narrative, you should be ramping up towards the climax here, so whatever goes in this part should be tense and exciting and build towards that Germain reveal/chase scene.

Re: dialog - I think you were most effective when you incorporated slang and had the characters freaking out. It felt more natural in those parts. My advice would be to brainstorm up different personalities and voices for each character and try to write the dialog for each of them in their own unique voice. Maybe Sam is really sarcastic and James is a cuddly teddy bear always checking on how people are feeling. The way they talk and the things they talk about (maybe include some dialog trees during the party or walking scene) will help show us more about each character and make it feel more natural and engaging.  It will also make their deaths more of a gut punch because the player will feel more invested in them.

Great first draft and excited to see where you guys go with it!

Also don't let the ratings get to you, this jam clearly had bots or something. The top game had 3x the number of ratings as the rest of us.  Weird jam, really unusual results. Your game is great and has potential for indie publishing.

Edit: Just learned the rating was open to everyone so basically we all got sandbagged by fans of the #1. Don't take it to heart, your game is great.