I've bought and played a few of these graphic novel adult games, and unfortunately there seems to be a common stylistic choice of writing out the main character's internal dialogue. This is unfortunate because it breaks immersion by putting someone else's thoughts in the mind of the player rather than allowing the player to put their own thoughts into the main character.
What I mean is, by giving the main character internal dialogue, you break immersion for the player because the player doesn't always think like what you've written. An example would be in the first scene, when the main character is having a conversation with the woman at the counter, he thinks something along the lines of: 'I bet daddy pays for all of her stuff'. It didn't really align with the opinion, I, as the player was forming about the woman in the scene, or fit with my own personality. When making a game like this, you want the player to immerse themselves into the main character. By not giving the main character an internal dialogue that could conflict with the personality of the player, you allow the player to form their own thoughts and opinions on the story and characters instead of telling the player what to think.