In terms of finding something smaller to work on because of limited free time, I've sometimes wondered if you should do some game jams, to get a feel for building smaller, faster-to-prototype games. These never-ending mega game projects are great for students, but aren't great for people with jobs unless you happen to really like that sort of thing. Personally, I think if you have a challenging, interesting career, then your job usually satisfies your desire for deep projects, and then your free time ends up focusing on less intense aspects of your hobby.
Viewing post in Esoteric Update #241 - Stonks Go Up, Stonks Go Down comments
I don't like game jams. Participated in a few and I consider every moment I spent on them an absolute waste of my time.
My job isn't expressive or interesting, it's just what I do to, primarily, be able to cover my medical bills, there's not much to it. I don't hate it, it's just how it is. Getting swamped with work because I took almost 3 months off on a position that isn't exactly easy to replace just happens.
In what sense did you find game jams to be a waste of time? I've found them to be useful to prototype new game ideas and to try out new frameworks. When I've game jammed on a team with others, I've often learnt new approaches to making games from people with different sets of expertise from me. And there's also a social aspect of game jamming where you get to be exposed to how other game makers and see all their weird creative processes and ideas. I've also found game jams useful for getting more time in certain parts of the game development process that I usually don't reach. In making actual shipped games, the most important stuff is often at the end--refining the gameplay mechanics and narrative to make them more fun, controlling scope so that things can ship, game testing with real users, etc. With game jams, I can actually spend some time improving my skills in these areas because I actually ship a game at the end. I am, admittedly, pretty good at fast coding and am pretty experienced with game jamming, so I'm more able to shape my game jam experiences to what I want.
I'm a bit saddened to hear about your job. You seem pretty talented. I'm not sure why you aren't working a more challenging job in Silicon Valley where you get to work on interesting things with interesting people. Or why you aren't slumming it in academia where you can just spend your time pursuing your own research directions. I know you think of yourself as the smartest person in the room. And though that may be true, that doesn't mean you can't have peers from whom you can learn things and who can challenge you.
Well, there's a lot to unpack here, but let me try.
"In what sense did you find game jams to be a waste of time? I've found them to be useful to prototype new game ideas and to try out new frameworks."
If I want to try something out, I'll try something out; I don't need a game jam to artificially drum my interest in it.
"When I've game jammed on a team with others, I've often learnt new approaches to making games from people with different sets of expertise from me. And there's also a social aspect of game jamming where you get to be exposed to how other game makers and see all their weird creative processes and ideas."
Fair! But again, can explore on my own, and I much prefer to expose myself to the expertise of others in different ways. It's not much of a draw for me. If that game jams for you, great, but I prefer to do these things while not under stress and not while trying to work out other people. Additionally, in terms of working on mature content games, the only thing I got out of trying to, you know, socialise with other people who make them, I guess, was years of harassment, abuse, people creeping on me and several stalkers. And I very much don't want to repeat that.
"I've also found game jams useful for getting more time in certain parts of the game development process that I usually don't reach. In making actual shipped games, the most important stuff is often at the end--refining the gameplay mechanics and narrative to make them more fun, controlling scope so that things can ship, game testing with real users, etc. With game jams, I can actually spend some time improving my skills in these areas because I actually ship a game at the end. I am, admittedly, pretty good at fast coding and am pretty experienced with game jamming, so I'm more able to shape my game jam experiences to what I want."
I'm not interested in any of these aspects. I'm not interested in being a game developer and shipping products.
"I'm a bit saddened to hear about your job."
I'm not, and neither should you be; the job is exactly what I need in my life. It just isn't an issue.
"You seem pretty talented. I'm not sure why you aren't working a more challenging job in Silicon Valley where you get to work on interesting things with interesting people."
I'm not American, and I don't want to live in America. But I assume you actually mean working in some tech corpo? Well, I don't work in a tech corpo specifically because it's a tech corpo. Either way, I don't want an exciting job or opportunities to hustle and grow. I want stability, companionship, and the ability to pay my medical bills and live a peaceful life for however much time I have left. I think what I'd say about your approach to things is that it's a very masculine perspective. But I'm a woman; I neither do nor have ever seen life like that.
"Or why you aren't slumming it in academia where you can just spend your time pursuing your own research directions."
I worked and published in academia since I was 20yo, and I only (mostly) stopped because of the politics surrounding funding. I'm still very much engaged with a lot of people from academia and even give small lectures from time to time or advise on projects when people need the kind of stuff I can provide. And do add to that, I absolutely engage with my work on this project on an academic level. Ultimately, though, I expressly and willingly removed myself from it.
"I know you think of yourself as the smartest person in the room. And though that may be true, that doesn't mean you can't have peers from whom you can learn things and who can challenge you."
I don't, and I don't want to be the smartest person in the room. But again, returning to what I said earlier, I'm past the point when I want another stalker to pop up.
But I think this is all just an aside to a kind of misunderstanding. Like that I'm miserable because of my job or because of my game and not that, you know, I'm dying and depressed, and both the job and game are some of the few things that keep me grounded and give me some chance to continue to function.
Okay. I sincerely wish that you do find fulfillment in the things that you do. I was merely suggesting alternatives that you should consider that might bring more fulfillment to your life.
[Game jams and stress]
To be honest, I find it to be the opposite. I find game jams to be less stressful because the time pressure means you don't feel any obligation to make the "perfect" game or to code cleanly. Since the game is made in such a small amount of time, it doesn't reflect poorly on me if the final game isn't the greatest or if I don't finish making a game at all. Instead, I can focus on making the most amount of fun in the least amount of time, like taking a weekend to put together a jigsaw puzzle.
[tech corpo]
By "job in Silicon Valley," I wasn't really referring to the tech corpos and the tech bro hustle. I was referring more to the lifestyle of being at a company that has attracted the top talent in the world. You get to work with other like-minded people on interesting problems with the latest, most interesting technology. You can burn through tens of thousands of dollars of computing resources over your lunch break running algorithms that only a few hundred people in the entire world have access to. The company pampers you with perks, and you get to do it in a place that attracts the best of everything from around the world--the best food, the best technology, the best weather, etc.
[Game communities and harassment]
Just based on the games from some of these communities, I can imagine that the people in those communities can be pretty toxic. I'm not familiar with the latest communities, but in the past, I thought some were considered to be more friendly (assuming that you try to avoid being toxic yourself). Weren't there subcommunities of Twine and RenPy that were more diversity focused and less toxic? Isn't the fan fiction community mostly women-focused so that they can avoid harassment from men? I think Hanon Ondricek was trying to make a secret adult subgroup of the more mature IF community too.
[depression]
Being an emotionally stunted introvert, I don't know how to respond to this. But if there's anything I can do to help, feel free to reach out.
Hmmmm... I'll just add a few things here.
[tech corpo]
That sounds largely like a pipe dream. I know there are companies that try to present like this (I think Google does this the most, or at least the loudest) but companies of this kind that I know of tend to actually be really shitty places to work, filled with pretty horrible people.
[Game communities and harassment]
I did join a few communities that have to do with various kinds of interactive writing, didn't find have much luck with finding one that fit my needs. So I just ended up removing myself from them. Well, with the exception of Ren'py, that one I just avoid entirely even if people for whatever reason come to me for help with the engine anyway. Overall I just feel better in communities that have to do with TG rather than VG. But the big thing I will say is that while consistently, on average, men were much worse to be around, it's actually specific, outlier women that caused the most damage to me. Including my last stalker being female, and that ended... really badly.
[depression]
Thanks for the offer, but things are as they are. I prefer not to impose on people if I can help it.
I don't think I'll be able to change your mind at all. I've known many smart people who have fallen into endless pits of bitterness, and it takes a while for them to crawl out of it, if ever. But let me just throw these things out there, and I'll stop bugging you about it:
- If you're feeling depressed now, and you don't change anything in your life, then your depression likely won't change either. At least try going outside more or doing some more physical activity to try to induce some hormonal changes
- Yes, there are a lot of horrible people in the world who will harm you when you interact with them. But there are good people in the world too who can enrich your life when you interact with them. And you shouldn't let the horrible people prevent you from meeting the good people. (And to be fair, we should all try our best to be less horrible to others and strive to be good people too.)