Hey, I really enjoyed this VN! It’s well-written and evocative while still being nicely understated and not heavy-handed - a virtue I admire more than fancy words and flowery prose!
In terms of technical writing I really enjoyed reading this – there were a few sentences I stumbled on (which I mark below) but aside from that, it was very well executed and satisfying to read! I’m always relieved when I read a VN that clearly has an actual writer involved 😉
I wanted to offer a few recommendations for tightening up the prose a bit, but just remember this is only my opinion! Feel free to take it or leave it as you want.
General notes:
It would help to have names alongside the dialogue. I followed who was saying each line well enough, but every now and then I had to do a bit of mental legwork to remind myself who’s speaking – which could be easily avoided if you just have the name of the speaker somewhere 😊
This is more of a stylistic note, but I felt the second act (or second 1/3rd) leading up to the climax dragged a bit due to a heavy amount of exposition and reading paragraphs. I thought it was effective at conveying the devolving psyche, but it felt like a lot of legwork as a ready if I’m being honest. Maybe it’s just my issue as a reader, but at a certain point I was skimming because I wanted to get to the payoff.
More specific notes:
"At night, however, the lack of buildings and people transformed the trees into a seas of darkness" - Excellently written! I would personally use "civilization" instead of "buildings and people" just because it tightens up the language a bit. Also, I think you can delete ", however," because the start of the sentence "At night," lets us know the switch of context!
“And then, for an instant, for a split second…” – this is redundant as “an instant” and “a split second” are basically the same. I would go with one or the other.
“His thoughts and fears faded away like morning dew, boiled of their individuality and merged into the sterile daylight mind of the worker’s body” – Excellent stuff! No comment here, just wanted to tell you I loved reading this 😊
I’m not sure if it’s just the font, but I think I noticed a typo where “wasn’t” is spelled “wasn’ t” (extra space after T)
“It wasn’t that Bonnie wasn’t interested in starting a family…” – I would rephase this to avoid repeating “wasn’t” i.e. “It’s not that Bonnie wasn’t interested…” – While this technically breaks tense, I’d argue it’s OK as an artistic choice because “It’s not that blah blah” is a common turn of phrase that readers are likely to recognize.
“It felt like it hadn’t been as maintained as well as the rest of the mansion” – I believe this is a typo and should read “… it hadn’t been maintained as well as the rest of the mansion”
“It was then Bonnie caught sight of a figure outside” – I would recommend streamlining the sentence and cutting out superfluous words like “It was then” as it adds nothing to the meaning, imagery, themes, etc. Just say “Bonnie caught sight of a figure outside” because it reads better and gets you straight to the action!
“The shock compounded upon itself” – This sounds cool but I have no idea what it means! If you’re saying her shock intensified, personally I would get a little more direct with it and just say something like “The shock escalated” or something like that – but this is just a personal preference!
“co-operate” – cooperate is one word!
“The tears bubbled down her face…” – I have to admit this mental image makes me laugh! I’ve never seen tears bubble before. I would just say something like “streamed” or “ran” even if it sounds as little cliché.
“The aide stretched and got to his feet” – This paragraph repeats for some reason?