*sigh* Welp.
This was my time; why didn't I use it? Why didn't I take the utmost advantage of it and at least have any celebration. I literally did nothing about it for a whole day. And I kept doing heck-all about it for days; weeks!
Is it over?
I don't think I fully grasped that there was anything to begin with.
Do I just not care?
I like to believe I care but I kept doing nothing. I fell once again into the trap of insisting something go my way. I spent every moment being probably about to do something, without being proactive.
I could have been the one to actually do something...who the heck here has actually done anything of anything?
Why was it so important and yet so unimportant to be to really be involved and give you something?
The less you do, the less anybody is going to care.
And besides, I had all this time to do something and it's not even productive to ruminate about it anymore. That just makes everything worse than it already is. I have to do something, and fast. Time limits were my cue to hurry up, to do just about all the projects I make underway, but obviously they didn't work.
If they don't do that, what will?
If I just posted a simple verbal statement of acknowledgement, exactly the amount of people who upvote the post are going to care.
That's probably just going to be Noli, who would be there for 15 seconds and leave.
Can I still give you something after the fact?
Does any of this even matter?
It's not helping if every single person around is callous. We're at a point where we're getting nothing, until the other things are done. Or until people decide to collectively give him $300 so he can make the entire thing all over again, as a new project. Perhaps after the others he's currently working on.
We are going to die
If we don't do anything, I guess it's a sign that this doesn't matter. There's no culturally better way to collectively reminisce about something than to coincide with the day something was initiated on Earth (according to it's last relative heliocentric position) and perform a celebration.
And, well, since we aren't reminiscing about something...it seems like we don't care anymore.
Isn't it ironic that the very thing that's mainly supposed to just be fun, is bringing out so much chaos and despair.
Of course, this is all just my problem. All I had to do was something; anything. But never did it matter if I lost a few hours. When those few hours are all I have, it's too late anyway. When I have even more than three days, it hardly makes a difference since it's also probably too late anyway. When I have two weeks, that's negligible.
That's the extent of my temporal myopia and impulsive impetuousness.
But, well...I don't believe in memes really dying. That's just unfair, to have something widespread and entertaining only for it to dissolve into obscurity again. Why should I believe in this being all over now that a single day has passed?
I rely on myself feeling bad to try and be motivated, but that's just not enough anymore. It's not. I can probably say I've gotten to a point in my life where I've mostly just ceased to care. It's that feeling when you're spending every day just living and not actually doing anything. It's why doing things in life matter to me. It's something that transcends the useless arbitrariness of every passing day. It's what makes you feel like you have a life. It's what makes you feel like you really ought to do something because otherwise, well...you're just missing out on the very life you're living.
Anyway...I have no idea if I'll even try my best at this point. Because if I try, that isn't even actually succeeding (at trying my best). All I have to do is forget shortly and collapse back into stasis. All I have to do is be stuck in my own fog of temporal perception until everybody's gone off without me.
And if I ever do go back to them saying "oh here I did a thing" well why am I even feeling terrible about that??? Why am I. Why does that make me feel terrible.
I'm just never ready to do something with my life even though I want that to happen. It's sheer outright slackness.
I have way too high standards for being ready, but I don't really psychologically care enough to really be convinced at many points.
All I have to do is take action without being ready.
Happy 4th anniversary, Viktor, Angellica and you insidious curse. (`•v•´)