It's pretty concerning how so many people struggle with their mental health these days :( I'm really glad that it's a topic which is discussed more in general, and that more and more people are opening up and seeking help, but it does paint a bit of a sad and worrying picture about modern society in parts of the world.
I remember reading a book called Lost Connections, and how the author spoke about how depression is becoming more and more common because of the way we live our lives, and that changes to society would make huge differences in improving people's mental health, like introducing a 4-day working week. It made me think about how some of the toxic ways I view myself are indeed a product of the place I live. One of the big factors in my depression is me feeling useless as a member of society. And I feel useless because I don't have a job and don't earn an income. Where I live (and I imagine a great many places have the same sort of view), you're generally considered lazy and such if you don't have a traditional sort of job. Even my own mum doesn't really see any value in my gaming projects. She sees them more as a sort of indulgence, and relatively pointless. That my time could and should be spent doing more valuable things, such a getting a 'proper' job.
That sort of attitude has often stopped me from seeing or believing in the positive and kind comments people have made about my projects helping them in some way. I take them in, feel immense gratitude, and then they're drowned out as I'm frequently reminded that I'm not a taxpayer because I've never earned enough in my life to pay tax.
I remember one particularly nasty encounter with a board of private doctors on a panel when I was first forced to appeal a decision made as part of a benefits/welfare claim that said I was 'fit for work' while suffering with severe longstanding depression. That minuscule amount of money I was receiving was all I had. Barely enough to buy food. And they wanted to take it away because they thought that depression wasn't a big enough problem to prevent me from working.
One of the doctors sat across from me at a long table and asked "If you're so ill, why haven't you tried to get help?" His question made me so angry that I wanted to both cry and slap him at the same time. I had tried to get help, many, many times, but having no money meant having to wait for free help (it may be on its knees as a system, but boy am I grateful the NHS actually exists here in the UK because I could be well and truly fucked without it!) I told him that I had, but that the NHS waiting lists are extremely long. He then proceeded to say something along the lines of "Well, if you're so ill and so desperate for help, why haven't you sought private care instead?"
It's almost as though the guy was living in an entirely different reality to me. If I could barely afford to feed myself with the money I had, how on earth was I supposed to afford private medical care that costs thousands of pounds? Where would I magically attain the funds? Why was he somehow under the impression that if someone simply wanted help hard enough, they would mysteriously be able to afford it?
And the same sentiment has recently been echoed by our prime minister, who made a comment on the cost of living crisis where working adults can't afford to feed their kids and so have to rely on food banks. He said something along the lines of food banks not being necessary, that the problem is that people don't know how to cook meals or budget properly... While I'm sure that may be the case for some people, it certainly can't be for the majority of people forced to use the food banks.
Like those private doctors on that panel, the man is completely out of touch with what life is like for the average person living here, and yet it's people like that who govern us and set all the rules of the game. I find it absolutely baffling.
Thankfully, I'm lucky enough to have a dad who supports me whatever I do, and who understands the barriers of even accessing traditional employment when you're burdened with mental health problems. And also lucky to have people kind enough to check out my games and leave such lovely comments, reminding me that the general view of the society I live in and the government that rule isn't the only view out there.
Fighting a constant battle between the person society says I should be and the person I actually am is an exhausting one though. Heck knows what I'd do without the internet to connect with people who feel similarly to the way I do!
I'm so sorry you've been through such awful times. It's incredible that you managed to get through it all to even be able to type it out here, and I really appreciate that you took the time to share those haunting experiences. I'm not weirded out at all anyhow! I'm just thankful that you'd share something so deeply personal as that, saddened that you had to go through it all in the first place, and grateful that you care enough to say something in general :3
I find it helps immensely to discuss different experiences with different people who are struggling or have struggled in the past and managed to claw their way to a better place because as you say, there is no one size fits all approach to this sort of thing! All you can really do is gather as much help and advice as possible from other people who are actually living the nightmare and try your best to put it all together into something you can use to help yourself through.
So yeah, I really appreciate all you've said here over time, and you're more than welcome to email me for further discussion, or I can email you, either way, haha. Thank you for everything :3