I was just reminded of memories I wish I could forget.
Three times a friend of mine has almost died while I was there to watch. Two times of which were because of suicide.
The time-line is a bit messy, but the first time was some time in 6th grade. I was texting one of my school friends, she was like depressed, and we were on the group chat, me, her, our 3 other friends. And she just... left the group call suddenly, then started sending messages like "goodbye" and "I'm jumping out the window" and stuff like that. It ended up fine, we talked her out of it, but still. It was horrible. It was so bad. I was 10 or 11. I remember I was just thinking... "how could she do this to me... how could she leave me and just say goodbye like it wasn't a big deal." I just wished there was something I could say to her that would make her stop. I wondered if it was my fault, if I had done something. I was so confused. And upset. And angry. She was my closest friend at the time.
The next time was with Cabin. More than once. And it was the same feelings all over again. Confusion, anger and sadness. I couldn't tell which was which or what was happening. And every time they took time to reply I just kept wondering if they were gone, I was mad at myself for not saying something that made them stop. I couldn't bare it.
Now every time something happens, every time a friend says they did something or are going to do something, my mind immediately jumps to "they're gonna die" and it's horrible. I want to get rid of it. I want it to be over.
Now this was a few hours ago. With Crow. They passed out from hypoglycemia. It wasn't suicide but it still happened. And I asked if they were dead in one of my replies. So like... yeah.
And now I'm wondering if it's me. If it's my fault. Because people keep almost dying when I talk to them. Is there something wrong with me? Did I do something? Why does this keep happening?