Skip to main content

On Sale: GamesAssetsToolsTabletopComics
Indie game storeFree gamesFun gamesHorror games
Game developmentAssetsComics
SalesBundles
Jobs
TagsGame Engines
(+1)

I've never played visual novels before, but this one was very nice. I loved the gradual degradation of the human element in Charlie's life and his arc; taking everything for granted in a high, mighty and sometimes condescending manner before everything crumbles away and they realise how alone they truly are (every life counts i.e. you can't always rely solely on yourself, you need other people in your life for more than just work). The gay barista subplot was a lovely and wholesome way to plant this seed into the narrative.

I will say the writing, while structured and paced very well is also quite overwrought in execution; it thankfully gets more restrained as the plot develops and desperate frustration sets in for our main character but for the most part, almost everyone talks and behaves like they're in a flowery melodrama when the mundane setting and dilemmas eating away at the main character need something more grounded and bitter to more convincingly sell the downward spiral that the story's trajectory takes. I get that Charlie apparently reads a lot of Shakespeare (and Hunger Games too it seems), but it feels kinda ridiculous when he and the barista are both making such eloquently long-winded observations about friggin coffee lol (some interior monologues towards the start become unintentionally hilarious because of this)

This is not to demotivate you or anything; this kind of writing would be superlative for something like a period romance, imo it's also important to consider what mode of dialogue writing would work best for the story at hand. Keep at it! :)

(+1)

No offence taken, thank you a lot for this feedback.  I'm really glad that it seems you understood exactly the story I wanted to convey.

It doesn't surprise me that some of it is a little overdone.  A significant portion of it was done with only time for a first draft (and some with scarcely even time to proof-read) so it doesn't suprise me if some of it lacks nuance or refinement.  I'm aware that it's very likely for me to construct a written sentence to make it as clear as possible (which takes away the spontaneous conversational feel sometimes). I say this not as an excuse, but an agreement that it could've been higher quality. And if I'd had more time, being able to make new drafts, and edits, to improve the reader's experience would've made me very happy.