Skip to main content

Indie game storeFree gamesFun gamesHorror games
Game developmentAssetsComics
SalesBundles
Jobs
TagsGame Engines

Here's the first batch. I really do like your writing style and humor :) I put [] around my proposed word/punctuation changes (except in the sentence that included [Trash-no-sweep], there I used <>), hopefully that's helpful, lmk if it isn't

I mean, the last time you caused any kind [of] serious accident was a decade ago

They [are] curious oddities, relics of a past that can never be returned to.

A girl, stark naked, hangs suspended between the fuse box'[s] wiring

(I am also just confused by what this means, I don't understand how big a Drainfly is. From this sentence, it sounds like she's *in* the fusebox, among the wires, but everything else makes it sound like Drainflies are the size of smallish humans... but some how still live in walls? I guess there is a wide range of sizes among humans, so how small is small? Like, there *are* 3 ft tall adult people, who might be able to squeeze in wall spaces, but not in a fuse box)

You feel the heat in your [veins] spike

Classes represent a person[']s skill in a field of arcane or martial study.

[Starter], Journeyman, Advanced, and[,] in rare cases[,] others.

When you hang with friends, [they] are your friends from work.

who[,] after following your [insistent] gaze[,] has started sticking out her chest,

and know all 'inspect' has t[au]ght you

You [throw] yourself at the Drainfly in an attempt to grab her. 

Her dexterous [limbs] probe your body,

 Against the wall of your utility closet lies [Trash-no-sweep] the barely <functioning> broom

the bolts holding the [brush] in place instantly come apart

being snapped in half, [accompanied] by a barrage of vindictive chittering.

You can see a thin trail of feminine excitement start to drizzle from between her [plump] legs.

Before you know it, your hands wander up her elegant legs, coming to rest on the sides her [plump] waist.

 greedily grasping herself[ ]two handfuls of your chest. (delete the 'a' there)

The air grows even thicker with musk, your bodies [grow] hotter,

but still a far cry [from] the extravagant mix of life you would find at the market square.

However, business is nothing if not [stubborn] and stuck in its ways

In basic [terms], it was found that by super-sizing the chips

 a sin so great that reality itself cannot [bear] the sight of it.

 Elven males [started] largely forgoing relationships with their female counterparts

Instead, [Elven] males now spend their days

their inability to get [laid] on a secret conspiracy

[Born] from the fruits of the great [tree]. (?)

[if only] for the fact she is barely wearing anything else. (you have "weren't it" which I'm guessing was supposed to be "if it weren't", but I think "if only" fits slightly better?)

causing the city blocks to [grow]

are fights between guilds for territory, often over a [district]

However, most districts have far [too few] monsters

This makes Whitehat guilds[ ]highly [dependent] on the size of their territory, or the presence of Grayhat and [Blackhat] guilds

Their dungeons [are] well loved targets of Whitehat

Dungeons are labyrinthine constructions [built] around a dungeon core, often [run] by a Blackhat guild[ and] used

(+1)

Thank you for the hard work! This way of reporting works perfectly for me. The fixes will be in the update tomorrow

(1 edit)

Ok! Here's the rest that I caught in the prologue and Codex so far! Also, I assure you I didn't notice all of these in my original playthrough, this time I was reading  very slowly for typos/grammar. I think I saved and tried all the branches for everything so hopefully caught aaaalllll the things. Sorry it's right before an update

capital is the only thing [worshipped] (apparently 1 p is also considered correct in American English, but it's less common than two p's)

[There] isn't much you have to hide, you are late,

'I see showing up for work [on time] is considered optional now, (there were two "now"s in the sentence, could be "I see showing up for work now is considered optional," or I suppose even "I see showing up for work is  now considered optional" or if you wanted to maximize the nows to cover all the possible places it could be in the sentence "Now I now see showing up for work now is now considered optional now" XD lol)

After sniffing his nose, the sunken eyes ("sniffing his nose" is a bit weird, right? maybe "After giving a sniff"?)

[It's] a faxcee, an 'almost' computer,

 It is like a laptop, if you squint [reeeeally] hard, (this shows up both in the in-story intro to faxcees and in the Codex entry)

There is way [too] many of them, they are arrogant,

tells you to 'show her the ropes', and sets out to [find] somebody to take this burden [off] of his hands. (this is also a bit weird, why is he setting out to find some one, he just dumped her on you, yeah? So maybe: "...tells you to 'show her the ropes', happy to find somebody...")

Nooks puts hard work in making sure people to think he is incompetent (I think should be "Nooks puts hard work into making sure people think he is incompetent" or maybe "Nooks puts hard work in making people to think he is incompetent")

nobody ever wondered what she [was] doing here

Within days, your fellow [colleagues] started greeting

Before you know it, she has pulled a first aid kit [from] somewhere,

one of [these] days you are going to end up dead

 'Now [will you] take [off] your shirt[? Those] cuts need to be cleaned and bound.' (or else rework the next line to omit the reference to a rhetorical question, but I think I like Mona seeming like she's asking)

'Sure, I will take [off] my shirt.'

 Mona['s] cute cheeks turn maroon,

Reaching for the [fifth]-

For a couple of [exciting] moments

her hot breath prickles your neck, and then [it's] over.

dependent on personal preference [than] gender roles.

Sex and romance are considered completely [unrelated] topics in Weredog society (? I'm not familiar with a definition of "untreated" that makes sense in that place, but it seems like the kind of word that might have a less common definition/usage that I don't know)

a monthly increase in sex drive brought on [by] pheromones

during the heat/[rut,] their instincts become so intensified

from getting fired more [than] once.

conduct your business [than] the middle of [the] cubicle block.

I have been standing here for [quite a few] minutes, (or "a couple of", you wound up with a mix of the two phrases XD)

[']She is right Nooks, we have been fooling around for far too long. Mekill will lynch us if he finds us dillydallying like this. It is time I get to work, and both of you too.['] (not formatted as speech, even though I believe it is meant to be the PC speaking)

waving you a warm goodbye, [despite], or perhaps due to her seat being 

 You can hear his fluffy tail slam against the back of your chair, as it wags excitedly from left to right. (how is his tail hitting the chair when he's up against the PC's back? I assumed I was sitting back in the chair with the front of his pelvis up against my [and thus the chair's] back, especially with Mona's comment about "a horny dog humping an office chair", so maybe his tail would be hitting the PC's desk or cubicle wall?)

Ask [Mona] for her opinion about the guilds.

 somewhat fondly on the guild[ ]for bringing a feeling of resistance to a ever corporatizing world[ ]and (lol, usually I think you need more commas, I'm a comma fiend, but I hold back when it's all clear enough. I think this is the first case in your writing where I think they're confusing/uneeded)

the hair on the back of your neck [stands] up, (or "the hairs... stand")

A thing seems to click and clack [behind] you,

You can almost sense the horrid mass[ ]slither and pulse (omit the "it" or change to "as it slithers and pulses")

Mona [whispers], as she takes your hands.

(Mona, why are you telling me I'm not special??? ;-; I'm very cool. I'm going to become a Journeyman in a combat class someday, just you wait! Lol)

Join me, my Noodle, let us [elope] to (or "flee to", since elope tends to have a marriage connotation, but I feel like that also fits with Nooks' joke suggestion, interlope means like, intrude. I named my character Noodle for some reason, ignore that...)

Nooks['] tail starts to wag as [he] [repositions] himself

and inside a blackhat guild there is more to do [than] hunting monsters

spies to be caught, and [egos] to be stroked.

I think [it's] fairies again, and I really need a extra pair of hands.' He asks, giving quite a different reply [than] you were expecting.

that [none] who lived only before the Replication would have likened to a printer.

[It's] worse [than] normal this month,

But I like to be a rampaging sex demon on my own [terms],

And besides,[ I] have work to do, and forms fill,

Lets give them one hell [of] a whooping this time,

Then, you throw [off] your suit, and go completely nude.

From the printer's [bowels] erupts a roaring hiss, follow by a [bolt] of lighting.

[Nooks] grunts, as a squirt of sticky precum pulses from the tip.

 More [than] happy to oblige,

'You don't do this often, [do] you, cutie?' (or "'You [do] this often, don't you, cutie?')

With his dick firmly [plugging] up your hole

but his [excited] puppy eyes melt your heart into submission

Suddenly, your peaceful break is interrupted by a [loud] voice.

Feeling [too] important to do your jobs, ey?

perhaps due to the fact they ran into none of[ your] ugly mugs

so it might be in our best interest to all show up with a massive hangover.' Nooks [suggests]

After you sit down[ ]next to her (or "After you [take a] seat next to her")

brought into existence by the dragons, to [serve] their every whim.

more successful species [than] their own creators, and became far more numerous [than] there were dragons in need of service.

common sight in most of the world, even where [there] are no dragons

a small number of kobolds [are] born (pretty sure... all this editing is making all words and grammar look fake @___@, but I'm so close to caught up!)

and an endless array of incompatible nuts and [bolts],

Then she stands up, and makes [a] bow so deep

making her big tail slam excitedly into a nearby [shelf],

her large fluffy abdomen makes you [instinctively] want to hug it.

from the silkmoth, the Bombix [mori]. (feels pendantic, but I taught biology for a bit and for my students' sakes can't not mention it, lol, in Latin/taxonomic names, the genus gets capitalized, but the species does not)

but their wing muscles are [too] weak to for upward flight.

Common size, four arms, sizable white or gray wings, (... the picture of Dayji only has two arms, right?)

into a force able to go [head to head] with Greater Amsterdam's ruling powers. (I think it's "head to head" or "toe to toe", right?)

Fishladle appears to be walking a [bit] stiffly,

I will have that [stiffness] out of your shoulders

Fishladle [continues] to sit still, her whole body seeming to grow shamefully warm.

You feel her [bowels] contract once more,

You drink cheap [wine] and cheaper spirits. Fishladle keeps dutifully [topping] off 

(XD I fucking love [Trash-no-sweep])

Species:

Humans, [Elves], Orcs, (I know both are right, but usually I think most works pick one and stick with it and you use Elves rather than Elfs most of the time, so if you wanted to be internally consistent then the Codex directory should be edited)

Before you stands a display, containing a replica of the Hougeton, the [grimoire]

(lol, currently with the end of the prologue dumping you out on the street after claiming the Hougeton, but not progressing anything in Dayji's, you can go back in and sit down to feast again and wind up with multiple Hougetons)

So many typos, so much shame. Gracias, oh delightful human, I have made the corrections. I was aware of the grimoire thing, you have to be able to restart the scene once I make the update in order to make the next step in the event trigger. Just consider the multiple Hougetons a badge of honour

<3 I make so many typos when I try to write without autocorrect these days. And you had all the other game making things to do! Mad respect on getting something out at all, what's it they say? "Perfect is the enemy of good"?