Thus far main issue seems to be a LOT of misplaced quotes for when a character speaks. I wonder if he ever gets an actual name, I wonder if he will ever find his way back, if even possible, I wonder about his focus on blood, obviously not a vampire... Hrm... only time will tell. Hope for more dialogue and interactions, but it makes sense to skip/gloss over the pointless parts.
I can say pretty confidently the quotes aren't misplaced, and are intentional
Hopefully once the other characters introduced I'll be able to have more focus on dialogue. XVIII was particularly weird to write for because he's extremely passive and reserved, which means he doesn't often start conversations on his own. That should be less of an issue with the other characters.
(He says) is NEVER in quotes, did he really say he said he thought out loud??? Does one say "I blinked" every time they blink??? I'm not so sure about two sentences being within quotes, I forget if its ok so long as its the same speaker, so that may be correct. Either way actions are never in quotes unless someone is speaking/describing something, else you have someone who literally says everything he does and thinks out loud. If XVIII or 18 is supposed to be more a quiet type, it does not do well for the quote placements to make him seem like a chatterbox. I can understand if this something you overlooked for the moment, for the sake of getting an initial release. It is an issue I have not encountered before in a VN.