(He says) is NEVER in quotes, did he really say he said he thought out loud??? Does one say "I blinked" every time they blink??? I'm not so sure about two sentences being within quotes, I forget if its ok so long as its the same speaker, so that may be correct. Either way actions are never in quotes unless someone is speaking/describing something, else you have someone who literally says everything he does and thinks out loud. If XVIII or 18 is supposed to be more a quiet type, it does not do well for the quote placements to make him seem like a chatterbox. I can understand if this something you overlooked for the moment, for the sake of getting an initial release. It is an issue I have not encountered before in a VN.