I kind of just stared at this entry for a while. I normally take time to look at it as a whole, consider art elements, get an impression of the piece before even reading. I'm at a bit of a loss right from the start here. There's... um... text. No clear game elements at an overview level (I am sure I will find them as I read), no stat blocks, no call out areas, no...um... game. It looks like a solid length of prose. Like a short story more than a game. Kind of curious as to how this comes together. The only real visual comes in the form of columns. They're symmetrical I suppose. I can see italics vs regular font, so there's that. I feel like even at a glance, it's going to be all about the theme and writing here. So, I guess I am digging in with no real insights.
We start with a title and an overview of the backstory and expectations of what is going to happen. Clear enough. Might be an interesting means to set up players who have never played a system to learn that system. Works alright as a baseline. Nothing making me stand up and clap, but nothing crazy either.
And then I get to garrison and realize I don't know what system this is for. It mentions Ego (my capitalization here) in character creation. With it not being bold or capitalized, I initially was about to dismiss it as just being an odd phrasing, but got wondering if it maybe was tied to the system. With that, I moved from the jam page to the landing page (jam judges don't see those automatically fyi) and find out it is a homebrew system made DURRING the jam period.
I mean, kudos for the dedication, but this then got me thinking about how much you put into the system time-wise. So now I download that. It doesn't get measured in any way for your vote elements, but personal curiosity required it. I expected maybe a 5 to 10 page ultralight TTRPG. What I found was over 40 pages of game. I apologize, I'm not reading over the rules. I skimmed at best because there are over 300 entries and this wasn't part of the judging criteria.
Sir, allow me to commend you on your dedication to shooting yourself in the foot in the most spectacular way humanly possible. I don't know how much time you spent building this system, but the time you spent on that could have gone into your actual judged entry. Based on what I am reading in the document, it could just as easily have been system neutral with almost no changes. You could have spent all that time refining this, having people look over it and make suggestions, etc. I won't lie here, it's hard not to want to judge it based on that knowledge rather than just the content (such as it is). Okay, onward.
Okay, I read the italic 'read this to players' text... but I can assure you good sir I am never reading something this long at my table. It doesn't have bold for key elements either so I can't skim and do my own descriptions. These are the blocks of orchestrated text that kept me from using many modules from decades ago. Some people like them, but without bold elements or a bullet list nearby, I have to go in and create a short list myself to use. If you are someone who really enjoys these, more power to you. You'll get a lot more happy GMs if you can find a way to keynote them with bold elements though so ones like myself can instantly know the important elements at a glance.
I get to the end of the Garrison section and there's some RP, so that's good. I never liked games where everything was combat and nothing else. I know I'm the outlier there though. The thing is, there's very little game to this. A couple of stat influences on social interactions, but there's not been anything to do for players but talk so far. Even some of that was semi-scripted as well though.
Next section (apparently there are only two) starts back up with another long read-aloud section. In that section, you explicitly state what a player imagines (can imagine). Personal thing, but I never tell a player what they think or may think of something unless they are under some form of mind control. I describe it, sometimes in floral or moody terms, and let them decide what they imagine. Nothing to vote on about that, just something to consider.
I'm going to be honest with you here. If I wasn't doing a voting review, I would have checked out several times in all of this. I'm on page 2 and so far the only game here has been a couple reactions from NPCs based on character stat blocks to see who they like more and a navigation check. A lot of this feels more like it was meant to be the first chapter in a novel rather than an actual game.
Halfway through the second column of the second page, I find something any player can sink their teeth into. The guide goes away and is clearly attacked badly. Considering she is a veteran and they are newbies, seems like a rough setup though. Any threat bad enough to do that is probably not one they all survive. I will say here I wouldn't have the slab fall only as they near the entry. That feels very 'DM refuses to let you do something smarter than the planned adventure' to me. Instead, have the sound of the slab falling happen in the same time frame as the unseen combat. This way, if they reasonably backtrack, the sound becomes an 'aha' feeling of recognizing what had happened. Same situation, very different vibe.
Every failed strike hitting Sarah in the fight is pretty harsh. Low level characters are likely going to end up hitting her a lot. I don't see any stats for her character here though. The monster I assume is in the TTRPG book, but is this NPC in there also? If so, strange choice to include in the book. If not, I need something to work with here. At least her existing HP if nothing else.
And then we are again doing the 'door shuts so you have to do what I want' trick. Same feeling as above for the same reasons. Then it's wandering with rolls to decide how they do. I don't know your system, so not sure how likely getting a 10 or 5 are. Presumably low enough not to TPK or have them wander out with no idea of what is going on. Instead of a list of things they can find out with exploration or successful rolls, you have another large text block to read. Seems it's an 'all or nothing' answer if they decide to dig deeper than 'horned things worshiped stars'. Sure.
Lastly we end the (well not so much adventure, but...) path with a, um, monster eating lesser monsters while also pooping them out. Was...this intentional? I know some entries have small language barriers, but nothing in this made me think it was a second language. She's just swallowing them hole and immediately sending them back out? Is this supposed to be birthing them or was it just meant to feel horrific? Not the worst part of this encounter, but the one that gave me the most pause.
Again, I am assuming stats are in the book somewhere. Again, I don't like telling players how they feel. Just have insight say it doesn't seem like a fight they could win short of a miracle and let them decide if they want to dive into a pile of death or not. It's written as if they automatically escape somehow if spotted. It also says they unlock a new passageway when they do. Unlock how? Does a wall fall away? Do they literally have to find a key and unlock it? Does the hand of God descend and hold it open for them? Don't know, they just do.
We then conclude with one of two situations and telling the players exactly what they remember/think. The end. I get it. It's meant to be a poignant reminder of the foreshadowing from before. I also get how I am sure I have come across as a patronizing jerk through most of this review. I endeavor to be painfully honest and to point out all of what works and all of the ways things can improve.
Digging in to see what was going on with the companion TTRPG you designed here tells me you seem to have a narrative focus in your interests. Nothing wrong with that. I think you've let it remove some of what makes a game a game though. There's no map, no npc stats, a third of the document is read-aloud bits, and ever player choice is basically as follows: (Do a thing? If yes, go forward. If no, go forward anyway but some issue occurs.) I get that player's don't always have a choice, but they need to feel like they do. Quantum ogres work for some games, but you have to paint the illusion they were always there rather than you shuffling the board. Those doors are probably my single biggest complaint about this adventure.
It reads more like a story with a few choose your own adventure moments. It's clear you have passion here. You crafted a story with the space you had and put a lot of thought into what you wanted to say or have happen. You were so passionate, you spent 11 times more effort/page space into a core system design than the actual jam itself. I can't judge on your TTRPG. I can't judge on that massive effort you must have put into it. I can only judge on what is on a single sheet of letter-paper. 4 A5 pages of text. No art. Almost no stats, no bold usage, only one meaningful choice they can make.
This entry upsets me, not because it was terrible. It upsets me because I can see both the core of an idea worthy of exploring and the tremendous amount of inspiration you felt to make a whole system. I truly wish you had worked to refine the core element of the jam more. Even if it meant using another person's system. Even if it meant just making it system agnostic. I think you have potential to make some amazing things and this entry isn't reflective of your potential. Please... Please don't let my words prevent you from doing more. I hope they instead are something you can allow to sit for a time and then with time light a path to greater things in the future. Keep that passion. Keep growing as a designer.