I read a little about your situation, and it honestly sounds like something very heavy and difficult to go through. I'm sorry for everything you're facing.
I know I don't know your whole story or everything you've been through, so I don't want to act like I have all the answers. But I believe that as long as you wake up every day, there is still an opportunity to try to change something, even if it's little by little.
Maybe starting with simple things can already be a big step: trying to distance yourself from negative thoughts, taking care of your professional life, looking for something more stable to give yourself more security... Sometimes we have to rebuild things starting from the basics.
I'm not just talking about games, but about life itself. I truly hope things get better for you. I'm rooting for you and hoping that you can find the strength to keep going and, one day at a time, reach a better phase in your life.
Keep waking up and trying for one more day, maybe with a different perspective. I sincerely hope you will be okay. ;)