Thanks for this - I'll try to make as many of these changes as I can.
Viewing post in Roast my game- this means war
Well, keep in mind, I'm not giving you "the right answer," here. There is no right answer. I'm giving you my opinion. My first impressions, really. And I'm only the first person who's replied to this thread.
In general, you should think for a bit about what you want the story to be, and what you want it to be about, before you write it. That way you can avoid saying anything you didn't intend.
Here's a youtube video about writing VNs. It stresses the importance of writing an Outline before you sink a lot of time into writing sections that might need to be rewritten later, when you discover a fundamental underlying problem:
Good luck!