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Deva is too pure for this world. Like the concept a happy tail wag was given human (anthro, whatever) form. I wanted to hug him. But... "he draws, he writes, he codes," huh? Those are quite the skills to spotlight in this context...

I thought there was a lot to like here, but also some things that seemed a bit rushed and not really fleshed out the way they could have been, likely at least in part due to jam constraints.

As is personal tradition, I'll break everything down by rating criteria.

Implementation of Theme:

Admittedly, my knowledge of Sanskrit poetry, and Indian folklore generally, is a little rusty (read: utterly nonexistent), so I can't really comment on authenticity or interpretation. I can, however, confidently state that some form of folklore was incorporated into the story in a way that was integral to the narrative, so hopefully you won't mind too much if I just give you full points here and move on.

Presentation:

I really like the art style (especially the colored pencil(? I am not a visual artist) style CGs), and boy, there was a lot of art in this, too. I think it's very impressive that you managed to incorporate so many sprites with multiple expressions on top of several CGs on such a tight timeline. Really, really good work here.

Music was a highlight as well, though I did have two gripes. First, there was a speaker popping-esque effect on one of the tracks that I found a bit grating, and second, I thought the music that plays before Tyler's first meeting was maybe a bit too repetitive, though in fairness I don't think that actually plays for very long and I only heard it for as long as I did because I pause so often to take notes, so maybe that's more of a personal issue.

Definitely some proofreading and consistency issues here as well. Typos abound, and there were some other hiccups like the narration referring to Aryaman by name even though we hadn't learned it yet and his name tag still said "Mysterious Wolf", and Tyler telling Aryaman that he only bought two tacos despite the previous scene making a point to emphasize that he always buys three. They're not game-breaking issues by any means, and I understand it's hard to focus on this stuff when working against a deadline, but this one really could've benefitted from another proofreading pass.

Story:

So, broad strokes here, I like what you're trying to do with the story. The tone feels very consistently lighthearted and cozy throughout, and I like our character templates, with the endearingly grumpy protagonist, the curious celestial being, Best Boy Deva, and, as someone who has personally had a long and tumultuous toxic relationship with "Tortilla Ringer," I wish that would have earned me a Juniper by now. It has not. Mostly just slightly elevated cholesterol, really.

There are two main issues I have with the story here: first is pacing, and some of Tyler and Aryaman's interactions.

For pacing, I'm less concerned with how long the scenes take per se and more concerned with what details were actually important to include and what could have been cut to keep the story moving. For the first example of this, I'm going to yoink Blue's critique about the way food is handled below. I get the feeling that food is something you're passionate about, and if that's true, it certainly shows, but I think something to keep in mind going forward is how much those descriptions actually contribute to the narrative. The tacos are actually an example of this done well, with the food being a catalyst for discussion for the two leads to learn more about each other. On the opposite side of the spectrum, we have the cafe scene, where we get very specific details about everyone's orders, but nothing else really happens. If we're going to follow these characters to the cafe, we need to see them interact and play off each other more; if you don't have the time to do that because of the jam, or you're struggling to come up with a conversation to have, that's fine, just cut the scene. 

Same kind of thing goes for trying to develop the Deva/Juniper romance - you can sow the seeds of chemistry here, but details about how they end up dating feel a bit tacked on and unnecessary, and I'm not sure if the random customer scene needed to be quite as long as it was. Maybe that was the reference to your other work, but it was very lost on me.

Pivoting to the central relationship, I'm not sure I really bought Tyler and Aryaman's first meeting playing out the way it did. Up until this point, everything we see of Tyler is socially awkward and some degree of socially anxious, even getting flustered just from his interactions with the Taco Bell guy. So I'm not sure if the implication was that Aryaman's magic had enough of an impact on him to change this (and I'm not sure the text would support that based on how literally floored Tyler is when Aryaman flies), but he seems to have way too easy of a time talking with the strange blue wolf he found in the woods compared to how he's been presented to this point. You'd think he might have a few more questions or be a bit more unsure about this situation before taking it at face value and giving him a taco.

There's another detail in that conversation too about not being able to return (to somewhere) if Aryaman stays too long, and I'm not sure this is ever followed up on? Like, in terms of relationship development I think kissing on the couch is a fine place to be at when the story ends, but a lot of the couple's conversations and interactions feel a bit too superficial if there's actual risk involved. Considering the scope of the project, I feel like it might have been a good idea to clarify that line about not being able to go back, or maybe even deleting it entirely since the current script doesn't seem to have the time to contend with those stakes.

Also, just a minor note since it was briefly mentioned in your response below, I do not think this VN needed a sex scene and I'm happy with that not making it into the final cut. I think kissing and cuddling far better matched the tone of the project, but I tend to trend less horny than other readers, so respectable minds may differ.

Writing:

The writing here is decent - certainly competent, though I think there is room for improvement. Sentence structure can be a little choppy, so maybe focus on some more variety in syntax, and watch out for common issues like focusing on active over passive voice where you can. I also noticed there were a few times when lines seemed rather repetitive, like "struggling to get his words out" followed in the next line by "was able to get a few words out". You can fix this pretty easily by just changing the latter to "was able to speak". Also in that conversation, Aryaman states he is a "music player... that is all" like three times in a handful of lines. Not sure if that's a reference to the poem this is inspired by, but if not, same deal as the previous example. Just another thing to watch out for when you're doing your proofreading runs.

I am also going to disagree with one of Blue's points below about the references to AI and other societal malaises. Like, to be clear, on a philosophical level, I'm right there with you pal, but going off on those tangents can also really disrupt the flow of a narrative and make it feel like the author is directly airing their grievances rather than the story maintaining its natural cadence. This felt especially egregious with the corvid/croissant bit, which seemed to veer way off course from what was actually happening "in-universe". While clearly people can respond to this stuff in different ways, I'd definitely encourage caution with how you deploy that in the future.

Creativity:

I think creativity was absolutely a strong suit here. While the core plot concept of supernatural being + mortal falling in love isn't particularly groundbreaking, the specific angles you took towards that with the incorporation of the folklore theme more than made up for it. There was clearly plenty of inspiration in the visual and musical direction as well, and I think your creativity and passion really shined through.

Final score here of 3 sweet potato tacos out of 2 copies of "Hot Rivals" with uncomfortably sticky pages.

(+1)

Thank you so much for your critique!


Yeah, thus project was very difficult to work through in the span of one tiny month.  I had originally planned on Tyler and Aryaman Meeting each other nine times but I thought it wouldve exceeded the word count so I stripped it down to just three.  I had also planned for there to be a full Cafe scene and a sex scene but I had to scrap those as I was running out time.  The sex scene was particularly sad for me to let go of because after it I wanted Aryaman to ponder about certain things regarding the creation of the Gandharva to Tyler.


Yeah, I can imagine there are a lot of typos.  The word processor I opted to use for this project (Ellipsus) does not appear to have a spell checker.  And I didn't really have time to do a properly beta read so I opted to rush through it as I add in the animations and such.  Just things for me to consider in the future. 


The customer scene and the background of Tortilla Ringer were both references to my other VN Nocturne.


I will say though there were multiple times throughout the ordeal of making this I just wanted to quit, especially coming down towards the end.  I kept thinking to myself "I can't wait for this damn month to be over" so I'm glad the little jank I managed to put out in the end was at least a little bit enjoyable (I feel you can definitely see the rushed-down-ness coming down towards the end of the VN.


I had originally ended up writing Tyler's and Aryaman's initial meeting into another tirade against AI and, to avoid the airing of grievances thing you had mentioned, I scrapped it.  


But all in all, thank you so much for your critique!  It means alot

For what it's worth, while the process may have been stressful, it's never been more important for people to share art that comes from a place of genuine passion with the world, and I'm grateful you were able to put this out, even if it doesn't look exactly like what you envisioned a month ago :)

Thank youuuu