Very excited to read this one! Have you listened to Old Gods of Appalachia? Seems like it would be up your alley.
First off, while I love the title page, you are sacrificing a lot of space and the other pages are very text heavy. I had to zoom in to 150% to read it comfortably.
I really like the typewriter font but I found the white on red very difficult to read.
I'm a little unclear who Reuben is in the context of this community/setting besides the person who found the Ichor. A recently arrived mining company owner? I think a clarification when he is first mentioned "REUBEN MOSS, owner of Miners Inc who recently arrived to look for Ichor, has hired". Obviously, that's a clunky example, I'm sure there's a better wording.
Same with Father Joseph. "Those gripped by REVELATION IIÍ-- most have been ripped from the guidance FATHER JOSEPH. " should this be "the guidance of Father Joseph" or "by Father Joseph". On first pass I assumed Father Joseph was intentionally having people go made with divine revelation but as I get further in I think maybe it's the opposite.
The first mention of the ABOMINATION caught me off guard as I thought I had missed something. "If the ABOMINATION is released, he faces it and is killed." This makes it sound like it's a monster but the later description makes it sound like an illness. Also, unless I'm missing something, the Abomination Stats section doesn't have stats in it?
Love the art of the gang at the bottom of page two. I'm unclear what the building is supposed to be in the Reuben Moss section.
Overall, I love the setting, I see how this could be a ton of fun to play and it comes through you all had a great time creating this. A lot of the language around the religious stuff works really well and the unexplored revelations was very tantalizing. I think taking a step back to establish what is the key pieces of information a Warden would need and making sure those are clearly communicated early on would go a long way. Maybe because this is like 30th module I've read, in the last two weeks, and many contained evil corp science experiments, but the Bio-syn stuff is less interesting and original to me than the religious and mining. I think cutting the bio tech company, expanding on the religious and mining elements would make this thematically stronger and more cohesive and simplify things to improve the utility. Alternatively, you could turn the secret lab into the mine and making Abomination into Ichor overexposure and I think it would streamline things.
Great job!
Viewing post in THICK is the BLOOD jam comments
Thank you for rating! You’ve given me a lot to think about, and some fresh ideas. We obviously have a lot more work to do on this, so it’s never too late to cut stuff and develop other stuff.
And yeah, the layout was one of the things i was rushing to do in the final minutes before the deadline lol– it could use some work. I tried to at least make it make sense as a trifold and to have some decent typography. The white on red was a mistake however.