Huh... couple of things... you f**king nailed the imagery and literary description.
I'm feeling a bit... left out if you know what I mean. As much as I love reading this, I really do. It's beautiful. It's a very interesting journey. But, I can't help but feel like I'm watching this from a window. I am intrigued to see if you have any plan to incorporate... 'choices' into the mix. something like... a few closeted instances that knit back together into the same overall ending. (this may be low on the interactivity side but. light on the workload) Or... even more.... Specific degrees of the same ending. (high interaction... high workload, which you'll likely need to tackle piecemeal).
Also, when it comes to 'games' on this site, I feel that... words can only take you so far. Something as small as... a ding, whoosh, or even a simple crunch sound effect can do a lot for imagery. Music would be fun but, some things don't need them.
Lastly, I encourage you to experiment with Twine (is that what this is called? I don't exactly remember and these text engines kind of blur together... XD) There's dozens of colors, fonts, characters, etc. Transitions of simple color can really make a scene. I found myself occasionally losing my pacing and having to search though the pink for my place, maybe you could fiddle with the text or formatting?
(sidenote: maybe color code the writing's backing (i don't think that's the right name but the pink box the text is on in the engine) for separate areas.
Viewing post in A Taste of Freedom v0.1 comments
Hi, thanks for leaving so much thoughtful feedback! I'll definitely consider it as I work on future updates.
Making the story more interactive is something I plan on doing, though what form it'll take isn't yet set in stone. When you say you feel like you're watching from a window, do you mean you aren't connecting with Seraphina as a character, or that you don't feel like you share her perspective, or something else?
I'll also try to work in more elements to make the game more visually engaging and easier to parse! I'm only just beginning to tap into what Twine can do so that's super feasible. Whether I add sound effects will depend on whether I can find good ones and incorporate them in ways that add to the experience rather than distracting or annoying the reader (but I'll do what I can!).