Hello! Welcome to Feedback Quest 8! My name's Hythrain, a co-host and one of the streamers for this event! This feedback is being written live as I stream your game! If you're interested in seeing my live reaction, let me know and I can send you a link to the VOD once it's posted to YouTube!
So my normal approach for any game in these events is simple: I get the game, make sure it's not a virus, then play it with as little information on how to play as possible. This way, I can judge how intuitively someone can figure out the game. Only if it's obvious that I need to read more will I do so. I note this so you can get a sense where some of these feedback comes from. In addition, I want to note that feedback and rating are different; don't use this feedback to gauge what I'll rate, nor should you view my rating as entirely indicative of my feedback.
Ok, so before I get into anything else, I just want to cover a couple of oddities I saw in the writing. I do think there are more, but these were the two that stood out as errors. I'll just be quoting what I read (it won't be the whole sentence) and then following up what I expect it's supposed to be.
"He seems be leafing through..." Pretty sure this is meant to be "He seems to be leafing through..."
"Taking care to not to make any noise..." This one has two variations, both based no removing the word "to." It's simply a matter of which one you remove.
Now for the game. First, I assume Canis Inmanis is frequent customer of Acme. He seems like the type to buy all sorts of machines for... some reason. I also get the feeling that he will regularly walk off cliff edges and not be affected by gravity until he stops, looks down and notices the several hundred feet of air between him and the ground. I also assume that Fuguret Mortuum has a habit of running a lot and sticking out his tongue at people. ;)
Obviously, I can see where you got the idea for your characters and... honestly, I love it. It creates a huge dynamic between the two when you understand the references that goes beyond what the story itself tells. It also leaves a lot of questions over just what these two characters are supposed to be. If you're planning to continue this out then I'm in. My only request would be to keep it SFW, as if it gets NSFW then unfortunately I would be out.
With that said, there are a couple of issues I do have with what's presented here with one being at the forefront: I feel like everything that happens doesn't connect well. Like, the change from one topic to another is so abrupt every single time that it makes it hard to follow. This then becomes worse when the story will change from speaking to internal thoughts to speaking again very quickly, making it hard to keep track of everything. To paraphrase something that Canis himself says: short term memory loses a lot of what's going on. The quick jumping between everything can lead the player to not be able to follow things properly.
There is also something else missing here: a lack of input from the player. Everything presented here is just a fixed story, with no choice from the player to affect things. Games, even visual novels, are supposed to be an interactive experience, but right now this is no different than reading a book. As you work on it more, there needs to be choices for the player to make that change the direction of the story.
I'll outright say I'm not a fan of yaoi itself. It's not something I seek out. However, much like the other yaoi game in this event (which that dev has said will remain SFW), I'm very interested to see where this goes as the story so far goes beyond romance and dives into what could be some twisted backstory between these two seemingly supernatural beings.