Okay, just tried the new version and interesting how you change that introduction dialogue.
However, I would like to point out something else I have noticed about it:
Second person and first person pronounces are mixed.
For example, in:
He’d probably waited a long time for this day, to stop being limited by us. But you never resented him.
Here in that context:
- “us” is a first person pronounce ; This is a “I and my”, a reference to self.
- “you” is a second person pronounce ; This is a… “you”, a reference to someone else.
So, either the “us” should be “you both”, or “you” should be I.
Also:
Wooooow… He’s so huge…
Shouldn’t it be “It” instead of “He” given that this sentence refers to the mall?