I did not mean to delete the newest post *hides under rock* Q.Q This is what I get for trying to operate things via phone.
Mr. Clipboard comes to the rescue, lookit' :
"I second this, the whole thing could be half as long with the same effect :v It made me skim over quite a few paragraphs!
Also, there are statements which kind of contradict each other, stuff like (I'm paraphrasing here): "he wouldn't mind his flirtations, if he wasn't responsible for his bro's accident" then "he despised his blatant flirtatiousness". So, which is it? He does not mind it too much or he hates it?
Another thing, there's no need to explain to us that Roman and Alphonse speak in code, we're not idiots XD We've already been informed he's getting bodies from somewhere, and from the nature of the conversation on the phone it's pretty clear what's up. The classic law of SHOW NOT TELL applies. I immediately felt "this is an inexperienced writer", which is fine, of course, but it's like watching someone miss a slam-dunk live, a bit of a bummer
Bonus: the tone of the text could be way more casual; a more everyday colloquial style fits the story more IMO, but this is also a matter of preference. I feel it was probably as much of a disservice to your story to use AI, as help.
Cool idea tho! :v "
I've already been working on editing the first part so the first chapter will not be quite the same for this upcoming update.
As for any usage of AI, it wasn't used nearly as often/much as people seem to think it was. So the only thing to blame here is my writing style, to which I apologize for and I'll work on it.