First of all I want to thank you for such an in depth review! I'm completely fine with criticism and this really summed it all up nicely! So I want to give my explanation for each part of your review.
Spoilers
Theme:
I wrote this story focused on the more metaphorical implications honestly. I chose the world's end the way I did because I thought it was one of the more aesthetic ways to bring about their end.
Story:
Yeah, the characters are very one dimensional with no depth whatsoever. That is largely do to the fact that I am awful when it comes to spending my time. And then combine that with my college semester ending and you get the brain scrambling. Honestly I would be completely down to add a day or 2 before this all went down to get more background on the characters. I would just need to finish the promise of finishing the story I made for the jam back in February (Which is almost done).
I agree completely about the section for Death. I honestly wrote it and didn't look back (which I definitely should have for many reasons). So I would like to revise it after the judging sequence is done.
And you would be correct about that, but when I make the 2nd version I have an idea on how to make it make sense. Because I love to make things more complicated for myself.
Presentation:
I'm surprised that I got it to the way I did honestly, now could I have made it better? (Definitely) Like I made the background for the death sequence in like an hour because I'm kinda a lazy fuck that didn't start making it until 3 days before the jam closed.
Creativity:
Yeah, I agree completely that this is a pretty common idea and I made it have no substance behind it other than what's there. I actually had another story almost completed, but I realized after 11k words that it didn't really follow the theme anymore so I must've subconsciously stopped letting the creativity flow.
Finally I want to thank you again or this wonderful review and I'd like to know your opinion for my other vn :) I hope you have a wonderful day/night!