So. I'm of two minds with this one:
Admittedly - I play for a great romance over an overly complex plot, but I did enjoy the worldbuilding + grand narrative you're trying to craft here. I thought the first few chapters (esp the orgin bit) were fabulous for really connecting you with the characters, grounding you in the setting, and defining who your MC is. As I went on, however, it felt like those things were lost: The writing felt looser, the transitions abrupt. The biggest thing I just couldn't accept was the progression of Desma's romance; I *Adore* her -- childhood friend who grew up just like MC and can understand her like no one else? Say - less. But over the span of - 10-ish chapters? The 'will they/won't they' devolved into: '...why aren't they having a conversation at this point on their feelings? There's so much time for it?' It felt like MC, despite Desma making it clear she loves (if not at very least cares about) her, never had the option of being brave and just - Going for it. There's less choices for intimacy or flirty moves that show interest. And even if my MC does something that shows - 'Yes, Desma - I choose YOU', it's like an afterthought that's never spoken of again. Then Desma is trying to set people on fire ... what Happened to her? Just her feeling neglected (and again, it felt like the MC should have been able to lock in her romance there) doesn't sell her suddenly being unhinged. I'm all for twists in character development, but I don't see the roots.
It's really a shame this turned out this way as I was really excited at the beginning. I think you have a great story to work with, but I do hope you go back and re-work romance progression more.
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Thank you for your feedback and insight! My story is definitely in need of revision, and I was concerned about the pacing, so I appreciate hearing about it from your perspective.
I'll think about where more overt romance options for Desma can be, and how that will shape the trajectory of the rest of the story. (At the risk of spoilers I just want to add that someone acting unhinged out of nowhere in a story with fantasy elements might not be too wild, if you catch my drift.)
You’re absolutely right that in this kind of setting (and let’s not forget the ridiculous amount of trauma that has to come with growing up like Desma did!!), there Absolutely is a case for her acting this way. It could be perfectly plausible she doesn’t know how to express/process all she’s feeling in a healthy manner. It definitely feels like a cry for help. For me, however, it was just the severity and sudden of it. Feeling it came out of nowhere. (Admittedly: was also confused why a badass assassin like Des would need to set a tent on fire in the first place. If she wanted my guy dead, she could have done it quick and clean and melted into the night lol)
I look forward to seeing those reasons~ And I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my fb/glad it helped! I truly do think this IF has amazing bones (again: *Obsessed* with the thought of Desma/my MC) and wish the best for its future. ❤️