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HeatedEdge253 days ago

A story about your first time at an orgy with your owner.

I chose the yellow option at first sight and decided to go home. Even though I didn’t do anything, I was still praised. It made me feel like I was the owner, so I didn’t see much point in the yellow and red options if I’m supposed to be the pet—but I understand they’re there for safety.
I think it would be better to call them a "partner" instead of "owner".
I don’t know—this whole "master" concept is supposed to imply they have control over you, but in this context, boundaries are very important. That feels like a dissonance to me. Also, you can command another owner's pet without their permission.

The story is written in the second person to avoid assuming the player’s gender or genitalia, but you still have a penis.

The exit option doesn’t work.

The writing was good. I wasn’t the target audience, but it was still enjoyable. Good job.

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wintersouls253 days ago(+1)

hello and thank you for your feedback!

  • the praising for not doing anything was intentional; i wanted certain players to familiarize themselves with the idea that opting out is not a bad thing, and that honesty is valued in these situations. i can see why it wouldn't land well outside its target audience, though
  • i was going for a very "loose" sense of ownership between the player and their partner, which may have worked against me here. i'll have to do some more reading to get a better feel for it. thanks for pointing that out!
  • as for being able to "command" the other pet, the only thing i can think of is the player's request for her to flip over? i figured it fell within the previous command and neither of the owners disagreed with it, so i figured it'd be okay
  • the player character "still having a penis" was clarified at the beginning of the game: it's up to interpretation whether the penis is biological or a strap-on. people of all genders and genitalia can fuck someone with a penis if they choose to, so i don't see its inclusion as inherently contradictory to my goal. if this could have been written into the story better while still being up to interpretation, i'd love some advice on that!
  • thanks for the tip about the exit option! i'll see what i can do to fix that

thanks for checking it out and giving detailed feedback, especially since it wasn't your cup of tea! i really appreciate you going out of your way <3

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HeatedEdge253 days ago

Hello! I'll elaborate a bit more on my feedback:

  • There's nothing wrong with including safety and consent in fantasy—it's actually great! I'm sure a lot of people will appreciate it. The game is very wholesome in its own way, so that's really cute.

  • I think it's fine if we just call it roleplay; it doesn't have to be a literal slave situation.

  • The "flip over" thing is a minor detail, but I just wanted to mention it.

  • If it were up to me, I would add an option to let the player choose whether they want it or not. You could store that choice in a variable and then adjust the scene slightly based on their selection using an if statement.

I wish you the best of luck on your game dev journey! Also, Deltarune is great.

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wintersouls252 days ago(+1)

oooooooooooooo, thanks for the variable tip! i'm still pretty new to Twine, so i didn't know that was something you could do!

and i'm very excited for the upcoming Deltarune chapters slated to release later this year :D that being said, i've had Ralsei as a profile picture for years because i just haven't gotten around to making my own yet lol

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