//SPOILERS PROBABLY//
I might be writing an essay (Yeah I was)
Holy hell. I went to adult itch games just to get off, and what I came across was infinitely more. So I recently turned 18 🥳, waiting to be shipped off to college at the start of the next school year, and ffffuck this visual novel hit too damn close to home. In a good way. The writing was impeccable, the music complemented it so well. This was the first visual novel I've read but goddamn it was well done.
As a certified "adult", I've felt aimless. I'm all grown up, why don't I have answers? Why am I so endlessly confused in every situation? What happened? Am I just immature? I feel like a 12 year-old in an 18 year-old body, thrown head first into a life I'm not ready to live. Why don't I know what's right?
"We're ships at sea, drifting in all directions"
Damn. I'm a naive bitch, but I feel like this visual novel finally hammered it into my thick skull that everyone of every age is just pretending to know how to live. I don't know, that's my takeaway. That's definitely quite scary, but at least it means we're all in the same boat.
I've gone down three of the pathways as of writing this: Lake, Torulf, and Rune.
I started down the route of Lake. It was probably a nice introduction to the game. Cozy, intimate, wholesome. Most of the paths you can go down are, but Lakes I feel was relatively light on the whole putting your heart through a paper shredder ordeal. I guess I can kind of relate to their struggle, being a "hopeless romantic". I've never had a "real relationship"; time and time again the other guy loses interest in me and I'm just left to stuff my feelings in a box and move on. There was a lot of truth to the comparison between the fantastical models we make of others and reality of who people are, but it didn't have me in tears. Lake was my fav though, cute af.
Next I went with Torulf. I didn't really like him in Lakes path, but he grew on me for a while. "Waiter, waiter more intimacy please!" Things definitely moved fast, but uh, being the horny bastard I am I never chose to slow down or call it quits. Then that traumatic fucking sequence hit. That shit had my heart racing, breath quickening. I was actually panicked. Of course, I the reader was never in danger; I was actively choosing to put my walls down and feel what this novel put in front of me. I'm glad I did, it made the story so much more impactful, but DAYUM. I've never had a boner disappear so fast. I actually felt guilty for enjoying the previous "events" with Torulf. I think this experience single-handedly convinced me not to ever sleep around, that's just not the life I want for myself. So uh, fuck you Torulf, and fuck you Dawn Chorus for making me feel all these things.
I guess its nice to feel bad things in moderation every once in a while, I kind of enjoyed it in a weird way.
Rune, Rune, Rune. By far I related to him the most. Back in middle school, even in the beginning of high school I prided myself on my accomplishments. I felt like they defined me. My talents defined me. It felt like all I had. After all, who am I but a coagulation of my achievements? Then, I lost all of it. My life fell apart. I fell into a depression that lasted years. I chose a very, very rigorous high school and I was not cut out for it. I could've transferred, but also, I couldn't. My pride was wounded enough. Funny, I guess I saw myself in Rune. The mushroom trip sequence had me crying. The last time I cried was when my grandpa passed away. I shed two tears then, no more. I'm typically very reserved with my emotions, part of my "coping strategy" with depression was to just be happy or indifferent as my two expressed emotions, but that just lead to me being miserably empty most of the time. I'm sharing that cause I think it speaks to both how much I immersed myself in the game and how immersive the game was itself. Back to the mushroom trip, every question it asked I had asked myself at some point. It was surreal.
"I though I had to justify my own existence"
That's me. I've been trying to justify my own existence. I don't have to either. That was profound. It was like looking in a mirror and seeing the inner workings of my brain. This is why I wrote this whole damn thing. I needed to hear that. I actually think this visual novel has changed how I perceive life. I can't even fathom how someone wrote this. Its incredible.
"But I don't need a meaning. The existence is bliss."
Yesterday I finished Rune's path as it is now (I don't think its finished?). I took a cold shower for the first time. It was hard. It was nice though. I went for a run. I booked it as fast and as hard as I could, till my body gave out and I had to lay down. It was hard, and body hurt like hell, but it was nice. I got up and slowly, dragged my aching body back to my house. I was barely through the door when I collapsed right there in my dining room, the dizziness and pain overwhelming me. I may have passed out. I forgot where I was, what time it was. I was in so much pain. But I was comfortable lying there on the hardwood floor, outside of space and time, just momentarily.
I can't really put into words what I've gained from this game. I really just started writing and now I'm here. I had to write something. Now I look back on what I have written and its soooo long, oops. I probably could have just written about Rune, cause that's the character I connected with most, but oh well. I realize this puts a looot more emphasis on myself rather than the game than I initially planned. I guess I'll just end this here, although I most definitely could write more.
I'd like to thank the creators of Dawn Chorus. I hope what I've gained is somewhat decipherable from my ramblings, but if not, I guess I mostly wrote this for myself anyways. This is an incredibly talented project, unlike anything I've ever experienced. Its been an absolute rollercoaster of emotions, a homage to the human experience, told through furry animal creatures.
tldr: This visual novel is fire🔥🔥🔥