i know the point of the jam is to make a terrible game, but i dont even know what an if is going into this. how far can i stretch the definition of an if for the sake of making a bad game?

IF means Interactive Fiction. It's a textual-focused game medium, with narration being the core of the game. There are many different types of IF: parsers (type a command to do an action), hyperlinks/choice-based (click on an option/link to progress the story), visual novels (the audio-visual being as important as the story), etc... It's really varied, and we even have a database of games at the IFDB, If you're interested in the history of the medium or the more technical aspects, there's also a Wiki. 

While there are a bunch of different communities with different definitions on what is IF (e.g. character creation vs pre-built PC; input only vs clicking on links/choices; puzzle-based vs narration-focused, etc...) and what should be included, the general consensus is as follow: the game is interactive, and its focus is on the text. As long as you follow those two elements, it's good.

Welcome to the wild world of IF!