(moved this post into here so as to not drag down the landing page with complaints Dx)
I love this project, so please know that the following critique is only an attempt at providing meaningful feedback, hopefully in a manner that is constructive and helpful and not totally annoying.
Between builds 1-2 and builds 3-4, I feel like there's been a noticeable shift in writing style and quality: the dialogue has lost its subtext, the characters themselves sound blunted and watered down, there's an uptick in as-you-know-bob'isms, the plot's focus is starting to blur, and a majority of scenes are now overtly expository without any of the smaller characterizing moments from before.
I'll give two examples: one from the start of build2, and another from the start of build3. (which I hope won't come across as mindless nitpicking; the problems I point out here are ones that I continued to see throughout builds 3 and 4.)
Build 2:
Build 2 starts with Skippy describing how it feels to be in the scene, playing off contrasts and juxtapositions: The air is dry in comparison to the ship's overly-cool climate. The courtyard we're in is small and closed off, save for a glimpse at the uncountable dunes that roll into the horizon. The architecture is angular and sharp, contrasting with paintings that are described as being 'vivid decorations.’ Then there's the wall of carved hieroglyphs Scipio is standing next to—he imagines tracing his fingers through them (his tactile, emotional self) but notes that his common sense prevents this (his repressed, masking self.) We then get some worldbuilding lines that flow off of descriptions of how worn and ancient the statues appear, contrasting again with the giant floating tech orb and futurist shit.
Neferu then enters the scene, but it's subtextually obvious that he's been here the whole time just watching Skip (cuz he wuvs him.) He calls the wolf's attention back into the present. The narrator notes Nef's smile. Nothing is ever too blatant, and the characters stay helplessly in-voice.
Build 3:
Instead of grounding us, build 3 starts by reestablishing where the other characters are and what they were doing since the last time we left off. No sensory details are given. Veteris launches into an impromptu warning about "something" being off, with no show of anxiety from Skip during this, who is normally an anxious person; he doesn't look around the courtyard, his hands don't sweat, there is nothing tactile. The narration bluntly states Skip's motivation to the reader as being 'curious about Aya,' which reads a lot like the author telling the audience that they should be curious too rather than something Skip is actually thinking. It unsubtly continues on with the line "[Veteris] lowers his voice, so I know he must know something he thinks is very important or interesting that he wants to say." The sentence being a messy run-on isn't the end of the world ofc; the project doesn't have an editor afaik, nor has its prose ever been the selling point. The real issue is just how blunt it is, and the frequency with which this mistake continues on throughout builds 3 & 4. (We all know what whispering means and why someone would want to do it, so why explain it like this? Just to show Skippy thinks his teacher is an idiot?)
(Further ranting: Then, as if trying to explain away a plot hole, Veretis asks Ahm to stop listening in (which feels rich for someone like Veretis to trust that Ahm wouldn't lie here, especially when the very next line he says "I dont trust anything here.") And again this whole bit is so vague and unconfident. Veretis says nothing specific, and not in a cryptic fun way, but in a way that comes across as the author not having any ideas as to what specifically could be cueing Veretis in on "something being off." (which build2 already describes anyway as being the powergap between wolves and jackals so this is a doubly pointless bit.) Why not point to the big water orb thing at least? Talk about the tech or the culture? Describe something! He doesn't say anything here other than "be careful" which was already the mission statement from day1!! But the narrative plays this off like a plot beat, like this is supposed to build tension rather than burn time! Gone are the thematic parallels and subtext from builds1 and 2 sobsobsob.)
The next scene is at the palace bridge. Note the differences between experiencing this new area compared to experiencing new areas in builds 1 and 2. For sensory details, we smell "something herbal" and "unfamiliar." And that's it. There's no comparisons, no richness, only a wishy-washy "eh it kinda smells like something" descriptor at the start, and nothing else for however-many-words. The scene never provides context for where Skip or any of the other characters are standing in relation to him or the BG elements. No one interacts with the BG in a meaningful way. No one has a presence. There's never time taken to ~be~ in Skip's head as he's standing on this platform floating in a void. (BG art is not enough to prevent white-void syndrome in VNs, and usually Howly is pretty good about avoiding this, so it's strange to see this becoming a problem now.)
Continuing with this floating-bridge scene, the dialogue is nearly emotionless. Every character serves up bland worldbuilding details on religion and culture without any hint at passion or drama—like, has anyone ever had a religious or cultural conversation irl that didn't endup getting at least a little bit spicy?? Howly's normally so good at making dialogue-exposition scenes pop with drama and tension, so to see this whole convo so devoid of anything but encyclopedic info given from 4 supposedly very different characters was a let down. Worldbuilding elements continue to come up inorganically through dialogue, and then they'll drag on without any of the prior tension or messy-character-relationship stuff that the first two builds had in spades. Every character sounds the same. Character voice is not just the words and accents they speak with; it's their mood, their emotion, their motivation, and none of these are present. The only color was Ramoses telling Nef to shut up.
The following scene with Virginia contains the line: "Could this be the end of Adastra?" which felt so off-key and hamfisted that it left me wondering if a ghost writer was brought onto the project (IIRC there was talk of having additional writers to help with Khemia,) or maybe a new dev editor, or perhaps some other factor is at play, I'm not sure. A lot of this just doesn't feel consistent with the first two builds.
Anyways:
I'll just wrap this up by saying that I love this author's work. And I love these characters to death. And I know from experience that getting feedback like this can hurt like hell (trust that I've spent whole days in tears over criticisms levied against my own writing.) It's not my intention to demotivate the author from writing! And if that happens to be the case, please let me know and I'll take down this comment!
Looking forward to build 5 regardless