Attacking others for giving criticism and using a skull emoji, typical Gen Z behaviour.
TheUnknownXX
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A member registered Jul 20, 2023
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Chapter 1 was great as you get right into the action although there was no need to have 2 choices of going with Baxter or Rae and just have 1 path, non linearity isn't necessary I would say.
Chapter 2 was not as good as the action/drama/thrill should have kept going and not slow down, meeting more characters this early in the story will also slow down pacing and quality of writing.
I would say the biggest flaw of this story is the focus on non linear choices, why do we need 3 choices of powers? Chapter 2 also has 2 ending choices as well. Having so many branching choices will make writing the story difficult while lowering the quality as the author won't be able to focus on 1 unique story.
That being said the premise is very unique and original and I hope to see the next chapters soon
I don't see why the first chapter was rewritten, it felt the same to me since the story was largely the same.
The writing was solid, pacing was good for the first chapter, I will say that the plot needs work. Having a power and running away is interesting but weak.
If you had someone evil hunting you down who killed your parents and wants to kill you or enslave you then I can understand, but having a power that's not been explained to be dangerous isn't memorable, being chased by an organization is interesting but the threat of just being put in a facility doesn't have high stakes or emotional impact.
That being said I'm looking forward to the next update, I hope more action, thrill and drama happens.
Good luck, I know being a part time author is hard while usually working or studying so no need to rush it. Just don't overthink things and do "redos" or "rewrites" like most authors do. Good luck, I hope for more action, drama romance from this story, since it has a lot of potential. This story could be the next Fallen Hero, hopefully it doesn't become the next Wayhaven lol
As someone who's read a bunch of IFs on COG and Itch I can definitely say that this story is not really polished. Too much purple prose and made up words, too many characters and too many romance interests.
The intro was decent but it didn't have the thrill or excitement, hell I wasn't even aware what the mission was and what the stakes are, world building is zero, is this a middle aged fantasy world? but then why are the characters in the portraits wearing modern clothes?
Chapter 1 was very bland and boring, especially the useless side quest of finding a dog, there was no thrill or urgency in the pacing, the pacing is really slow.
The writing tries to be edgy in the explicit torture scene but was pretty unclear on what was happening, too many made up unexplained words. Is this suppose to be a revenge story? a romance story? a character driven emotional story? I don't know, but I felt bored the entire time unlike the other IFs I've read.
I really like the story, the potential and the characters, hope for a continuation. Its really good but not great for two reasons.
1: Pacing is a bit slow and the MC is a passive character that gets pushed around by plot, not really active and doing anything.
2: As for characters I would say there's too many romance interests and unnecessary main characters like its a tv show.
You don't need 3 best friend characters which adds up to 10 romance interests, way too much and slows down story significantly.
As for the writing I like the drama and angst involved but the MC needs to be more proactive, the romance is slow and on the weaker side and the characters are nice but focuses more on quantity over quality and depth.
I do appreciate gender chooseable ROs although not sure why Viktor is locked as a guy alone, as for poly route its a nice addition and there should be more options.
Sorry "sexism" is reality with most male authors taking better criticism better. My experiences with female authors has been terrible, while almost all male authors I've criticized say thank you and take it well. I've had a few female authors who were good but the rest were terrible.
In fact most female authors ignore criticism well, Wayhaven's author has been known to do this with even her majority female fans complaining lol.
"You mentioned that this story is intended for a female audience simply because the MC worked as a waiter and has sleepovers. What do those two things have anything to do with the MC's gender???"
These are female activities in general, how many male characters in fiction do these things? This is the first I've ever seen in my life whether it be a book, IF, tv show, comics, etc.
Also you said its just the first chapter, bruh the first chapter is suppose to be the best, if chapter 1 is this boring I can only imagine what the rest of it would be. But hey I'm not following this story anyways, one of the most mediocre IF stories I've seen on itch but fangirls will disagree as usual.
Awh Boohoo, sorry not everyone's a girl. Not my fault male authors take criticism better especially when they're not wokies who care more about diversity than a good story.
Also most IF are mediocre tbh, it all started with COG being lame and HG being terrible, then HG in 2016 had 2 gems and now its become bigger since.
Also most authors just copy Wayhaven and Fallen Hero or other works, most of them are bad, this one is just lame. Shame its still active while the good ones end at the first chapter lol
Even the writing and dialogue was clearly written as a Female MC, this kinda reminds me of Wayhaven in COG. Its cool most authors are female and most IF and books are catered for women.
It would be better to just have all the LIs Gender Chooseable as guys don't have sleepovers.
Also I do agree that the writing is "realistic" but the issue is realism doesn't make for good storytelling or writing.
The LIs are all boring and all like the MC, there's barely any drama or conflict so far. Let's be honest Scifi tends to lean towards Drama, it felt boring. Kinda reminds me of the Bumblebee movie, boring.
Extremely short but seems to have potential. The premise and writing is good, I will have to say that the opening sequence lacks thrill and excitement. Instead of waking up safe and sound why not wake up while under attack or someone trying to kill you?
Why not show the MC briefly living a normal day and then getting violently killed? Don't just show "I wake up with no memories and some random said I was revived"
That's boring and passive. No thrill or danger.
After reading when the sun rises I was hoping for something more interesting. The premise/concept feels like a Syfy tv show's pilot episode which is interesting, however....
The story/plot is very simple, the characters are nice but that's it. There isn't any thrill, drama or action and the MC is a passive character strung along by the story.
The MC is obviously written for a female MC, from being passive, having sleepovers to working as a waiter. Overall as a guy I'm not the biggest fan. Maybe the genre isn't for me but I was expecting more drama, conflict, thrills and plot. Maybe Mirror Mine was for the gals while When the Sun Rises were for the guys. The writing was solid though, no purple prose so I appreciate that.