Well? I'm waiting!
Dingo
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A member registered Dec 22, 2020
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Looking forward to it!!!
I'm really impressed with your English skills thus far! If you like, just focus on editing a few passages and see if you notice an improvement. Like I said, the clause placement in some of your sentences need to be reversed, and there are a few opportunities to contract some sentences. If you can improve the sentence structure, then inserting imagery should come more easily.
Original: "It's already hard to move from the cold, and yet there are many more miles of walking left. You are sure you are going to freeze to death, but you prevail".
That passage looks like it could use an edit.
I love the attempt at a contrast in the second sentence, but it is actually a false contrast. You can fix it by changing how you used (", but"). Here's an example: "Despite the near certainty of freezing to death, you prevail".
Given the context of the second sentence, you want to reverse the clause in the first sentence to elevate the foreshadowing. This is how it will work out:
"There are many more miles of walking left, and the cold makes it hard to move. Despite the near certainty of freezing to death, you prevail".
I know it hardly seems great now, but it gives you something to work with in your next draft when you need to insert imagery or set the pacing.
"Ceaseless miles of snow left to trample; The biting cold saps each step I take. Despite the near certainty of freezing to death, you prevail".
I'm sure you noticed another problem even though structure, flow, and imagery have been improved slightly... Shifting from first to second person is a bit disorienting. Generally speaking, you should pick a point of view, then stick to it. I've already seen comments about it, so I feel like there was no need for me to call it out. I didn't feel like stealthily editing it without pointing it out to you first, though.
Here it is in first person "Ceaseless miles of snow left to trample; The biting cold saps each step I take. Despite the near certainty of freezing to death, I prevail". Hope these tips helped. I think I will stop now XD
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Oh, I haven't mentioned anything about the art because it is actually nice! I hope the style won't change much since you really got the aesthetic of a fairy tale nailed down. That alone is worth a 5/5.
Really interesting spin. As someone who enjoys all kinds of fanfics, I'm looking forward to future public updates and seeing how this plays out.
I will give some heads up to other prospective readers and tips for the author. I do hope you won't find this disheartening, but use it to enjoy/improve this VN.
The prose feels quite offbeat. I have a suspicion that English isn't your first language, but I could be wrong. Forgive me if I sound like I am treating you like a baby, but I genuinely want you to improve your writing.
The most common issue you have is putting the important clause at the end of your sentences. "You give it your all and you keep going, one heavy step in front of the other" can be rewritten as "One heavy step in front of the other, you give it your all and keep going".
A clause is an idea; A comma separates two related ideas; A period signals the end of related ideas.
You have many sentences that can be immediately improved just by putting the last clause first. Moreover, when rearranged this way, it can give you more opportunities for vivid imagery when it comes time to write your second draft.
Example of a 2nd draft rewrite: "Kicking up snow-scuffed boots, you plow through pristine powder, creating a knee-height chasm behind you".
I know it sounds funny when reading it aloud, but we tend to stutter on our plosive consonants when we are c-c-cold! It gives a silly stuttering effect that almost seems unintentional, but so relatable.
I'm sure other readers would love it if you made use of other literary techniques, like using internal rhyming words to show the cheerfulness of the characters, or if you needed to express danger, then end your sentences quickly to cohere with the fast pace. If it's too fast, try using assonance to help improve flow and really try to take your time with a thesaurus.
Another quick one I came up with, where I used S sounds to highlight snow and H sounds to highlight happy feelings, combining both to make a happy wintery scene "Sunlight sparkled on the snow-covered fields, creating a shimmering spectacle. Happy shouts filled the air as skiers slid down the slopes, their laughter, a counterpoint to the soft hiss of sleds carving gentle trails. A serene sense of happy contentment saturated the scene, a perfect blend of winter fun and peaceful beauty". You should do your own for the tone that's right for you (and maybe not exaggerate the effect like I did. I exaggerated to make sure you get it). This trick can really help your readers breeze through long text without it getting boring. I must remind you I mean no offense, but reading your VN was a bit of a chore and it was sad to see opportunities slip by.
There are gems just waiting to jump out of your visual novel; you just have to joggle your clause placement to notice them. Sadly though, I would not say the quality is worth the patreon support yet.
Day 1 & 2 Update and Progress Report comments · Posted in Day 1 & 2 Update and Progress Report comments
If Dreamin Bara is reading this: My only gripe with the game so far is the lack of creatures XD Granted the Werewolf and Krampus are very hot.
And maybe the countdown timer could be longer. I'm not sure if this is a feature or a bug, but I have to shake the container for them to get moving. Otherwise they float like Minecraft sand. Lost a game that was going well because of that one.
And what do you think about adding more creatures? I like the badboy theme so far.
ADVICE ON HOW TO WIN:
First of all, the more "mistakes" you do, the harder it is to recover, so you might as well start over.
Start by laying each size of candy down on its own zone. Do your utmost best to get 4 of the first unlock able candy set. You can then use pop candy to clear a path in order to combine them and jump to the 4th unlockable candy.
At this point you should have a very large candy, hopefully on a corner of the screen. If it is wedged in the middle you'll likely have to restart. As I said, if you make too many mistakes by leaving uncombinable candy it is better to just restart.
Take advantage of the edges and stack smaller candy on top of larger ones in perfect order. One side will be your true trash pit while the other side stacks candy in order if there isn't a good spot for it in the center.
Always look to combine candy if there are bigger candy right under. If you have a side with uncombinable candy under, try landing the combination so it slides over to where you need it.
Everyone may be happy with high scores, but if you can make them cum with a small score it speaks greater volumes.
Thank you for taking the time to read the review. (EDITED)
1- I don't disagree that the character designs are of good quality. I am just having trouble imagining metal shoulder and chest pads on something that reminds me of Khakis like how ww2 uniforms use to be.
There are also some detailing with lines to give the art style more depth. However I've seen similar things (and more... well executed?) on anime figurines. In fact, some even go further and try to add not only lines but some texture that is somewhat lacking with the art style of your FVN (eg https://www.odditycentral.com/art/artist-turns-generic-figurines-into-ultra-real...) It wouldn't hurt to add some texture to what you have right now because with just 1 extra shade of darker/lighter color (besides some black lines for detail) it doesn't really help the viewers get a sense of touch into your world and so it becomes less memorable.
2- I really like space genres (battles, adventure, or smut...) so when I came across this there was a hope it would be a big project. Im not blaming you or anything... My impatience made my tongue slip and you didn't deserve any unfair criticism for that. You have every right to write the story you want to write. The point I was trying to make is that FVNs are now starting to get so popular that there is incentive for a big team to make a FVN with multiple routes or other interesting mechanics and have it be profitable. Some FVN patreons have almost a thousand subscribers with a decent chunk giving more than just 1$ a month. There are digital nomads living and working from low cost of living countries (or cruise ships) so if I had the necessary equipment and team this would definitely be my full time job AND i'd have a better, less stressful living condition.
3- (The Edit. Sorry about the great wall of text. Ill try to get to the point without dragging as much).
To put it short, I read a lot. While I don't write as much as i'd like to, I still know what ingredients goes into a good story.
One ingredient is readability. If you check out Comidacomida's work on SoFurry you'll see what I mean. He uses simple words, doesn't phrase things that need a grammar expert to have a double think, and the... colors? of the vocabulary are wonderful, so when you read it you actually enjoy it because he can turn words into art with the way it is all strung together. Unfortunately In Finite Space lacks these qualities in some regards, making it a bit of a chore to read through.
Another is the narrative. Im sure it is too early to tell, but I am not really learning anything about the characters of what their culture values. Readers love flawed characters that are relatable or different cultures that makes us see things with new perspectives, however the storyteller fails in this regard. I thought it was going well with Eryx the Bear but then events became incoherent and lacked logic. Supposedly his parents make him train very hard. And then he loses a spar. So he is staying up late to get in more training. Now all that makes sense if you think he is punishing himself over his loss while having an ego for being #1, but he has a clumsy streak (because he did fall down. Also this FVN isn't shy about stereotypes, and bears tend to have a clumsy stereotype to them). Perhaps his character arc is about letting go of perfection or being what youre not but that isn't done. In fact I am not sure what is done... Is he just eye candy for people with a specific type? That's all it seems like to me.
Speaking of coherency and logic, this FVN doesn't seem to feel like it was written by 1 person who has something to say. It feels like it was written by 10 different (horny) people. Im sure we all played or seen others play "take turns to complete a sentence but you can only say 1 word on your turn". If it is written by 1 person they need to go back to the storyboard phase and start ripping out things that don't have any importance. Distill it to its essence while keeping the sequence of events logical. You can keep things logical by first writing out the personality and temperment of your characters, eg an angry character with a short temper would go from grumbling to physically violent when they get triggered. Eryx sort of held up well since you both can bond over losing your spars, making the easy friendship with him logical, but then that's about it. In their world the new recruits are very subservient to their superiors but there is no logic for that. Supposedly they are fodder, and yet they are trained as if to become superiors themselves... This makes no logical sense unless it is about patriotism (yet they are so racist and elitist to each other? even patriotism for such a cruel society seems illogical, though you could make the case for brainwashing which can be interesting) or if the new recruits are all some kind of sadists. I think the latter because of how degraded the MC wants to be and has.... a kink for his officer... It just feels that way. Which makes it weird their whole army culture is about a dom/sub sex relation. That's not my fetish so I dont feel simpatico with the MC and the way he goes out of his way to be of "service".
Last 2 things would be the pacing between certain events as well as the world building going on so far.
Pacing is more than how many words you write between 2 events. You can even make it shorter or longer AND make the story even better for it. Pacing does a lot of things, one of which is setting a mood for expectations, or to set it up to subvert expectations if your MC is about to meet a subversive or tricky new character. Ender's Game does this really well, but if you'd rather another FVN that does it well would be Roads Yet Traveled. (Spoilers) The MC is nervous to meet the Captain, and it turns out for good reason too, because she turns out to be very intimidating. At first I thought the MC was being a wimp for no reason and there was no reason to fear her... And then we meet her and OMG she is scary! I am actually glad a writer can make me regret being wrong (in a good way ofc). But thankfully she is rational and not mean for the sake of being mean... She did make it to Captain after all so it wouldnt be logical some mega corporation would put someone unhinged at the helm of the ship. The pacing between when the MC was getting nervous, to waiting for the suspense to build, to meeting her and being alone for a while, and when Tyre gets a beat down, to once again being alone with her is all well paced and helps the reader feel the subtle feelings the writer intended to portray and releases our nervousness about her when it is all over while having something to look forward to when meeting her again WHAT!? Unfortunately that all goes out the window in In Finite Space. It always feels like there is unsettled business with every character so far. While I have no issues with the events the way they start and end leaves me emotionally confused. For eg the feelings of solitude right before we meet Eryx just seems to start right back up when we part ways. The MC (thus the writer) fails to insert the way the world subtly changes. We walked out of that entire interaction with the way things started. I was expecting more of a skip to our step or a change of perspective about lonely nights. No offense, but besides the eye candy your characters dont feel like they do anything else for the reader on an emotional level.
While I do not like information dumps, there needs to be more moments where the MC notices something and explains how it makes him feel. IK it helps build up mystery to not describe an enemy too much too quickly but I feel like that whole scene should be rewritten. Often, the reactions of others are supposed to be a hint to how we should react, and yet that was missing. No shared scar trope, no mention to how things changed forever (other than still being at war) ((eg take the TSA ever since 9/11)), no change of mood from rambunctious to solemn... At least it doesn't feel that way. Besides the enemy, you could point to certain technology, engineering, or culture that needed to evolve from something we as the reader can relate to into something new that makes logical sense to their world. Unfortunately I fail to feel what it is like to be part of their world. Because of the tone it is written in, and that I find horny for the sake of horny to be annoying, it just feels like this facility theyre all in is a candy shop and the MC is just there to oogle some furry people while trying to get his kink on and I can't take the story seriously. I think story ought to come before the smutt since that is guaranteed to make people read your work and have more of an emotional impact with a character they can relate to or fancy. I just think a writer would feel bad if people use the skip button until they reach a nude character...
There are more ingredients but I dont find them as important as these, especially since In Finite Space seems to be very lacking in these regards I find most important. I don't mean to come off across as someone who just wants a story written differently. I genuinely believe there is always a better way to rewrite a thing, and there is a lot of polishing that can be done without changing the essence of this story. Ive read so many stories so Id know what works and what is just clutter that ruins more ways of enjoying the story than helps it. This FVN does have some clutter but most of common of all is a carelessness when it comes to the reader in mind. Your readers are always thinking and making assumptions and going through feelings and emotions. We don't get a flow from the writer and it can feel like we are just a spectator to a wolrd and people we dont care about. Many people would call such experiences a waste of time with nothing to gain. I am sure many would disagree with me, but I would wager it is because they find a certain character appealing or have the same kinks as the MC. Nothing wrong with what you fancy, but stories are supposed to be for a wider audience to learn something. Im sure if we could have art of a character they fancy and a story about them my same cirtics would flock to that media over your FVN which I am sure you are pouring so much effort and love into. FVNs wont survive against such media that can do what you do but more cheaply and less time consuming, so if you also care about being fairly compensated and appreciated you'd focus more on the quality of the writing and take your time to polish it up, at least until the characters, personalities, and events they find themselves in are all logically coherent, and trust your audience to love them over the relatable moments and moments they wished they had IRL. While it wont be an "Amazing work of art!" it is good enough for a FVN made by a passionate small scale creator and be a lot better than what it is now.
This seems like a potentially good visual novel.
Furry Visual Novels are just so different, so "indie" in a good way. But they do lack a lot especially in mechanics and scale. This isn't a bad thing per se, but I feel like there are too many linear stories in the furry genre. IK scale is hard to achieve with such a small team especially when they may have other jobs but as a FVN coming out sort of 'late' without anything special to add I feel a bit let down.
The artwork is amazing. I kind of do want to give it a 10/10 but there is still a lot of clean up that can be done, especially in texturing some materials. Everything (including the fur) feels like its made of plastic.
I personally do not get the dedication of these characters and why they have an intense emotional need to not let down their superiors. I'm just going to say it... It doesnt feel like they are militarily involved with their superiors. I think they just want to get in their senpai's bed by being an obedient good boy. --While sluttiness can be entertaining (eg Temptations Balad) it didnt seem to fit with the idea sold to us in the beginning, that they are at war with a very dangerous adversary and that they might have been brainwashed to be loyal fodder or at least have a good reason to be so patriotic. I just dont see it yet.
There are more of these logical "threads" that are just cut because I have my expectations subverted in similar ways. So Id have to rate the story boarding of the writer quite poorly for putting together something incoherent. Aside from that, it is written well enough if not a little fast paced. Since they are all in a facility or wearing a device more time could have been spent by the author helping us see what the MC sees as his first time on board this training base as he makes his way or gets alarms/calls (read Enders Game for reference). Things were either rushed into action or retreating to talk about the MCs negative emotions (it was done a tad too much too quickly. While I dont doubt you have a plan for this, as the reader it is becoming unbarable and making me dislike the MC. For a soldier he sure is a whiney bitch. You could try introducing other emotions because us readers want to feel good from time to time, not just sorry for the MC and then distracted by the horny stuff until it is time to feel sad again).
Id suggest to go over the story board. The sequence of events that happen are fine but you can go about the transition a little more slowly and introduce the world to us. The characters seem like they were cookie cutted and dont have unique motivations. All I feel from them is a tad bit of racism/elitism or being friendly for no reason. While a few characters were given a basic personality, they dont really pop out as if they could be a real life person with depth. All you really got going is a sensible sequence of events and some sexy characters. While this can be sold to a lot of people without complaints, that isn't exactly something id waste my time with, even if furry visual novels are hard to come by, id just not read this if the quality stays the same because it is incapable of making me feel anything (except maybe a little horny).
Over all there is real potential if this gem can be polished up. I am hoping for bettter stuff to come.
Your writing is so spot on. Please dont compare yourself to Lovecraft. I've read him and his stuff is a bit boring to me (maybe notsomuch the concepts of some of his creatures). I could read your work all day and all night and still want more.
IDK how much literature I have consumed, but it feels like at least half a book a week. Perhaps more if we include comics and jokes. And you come real close in terms of style and flow to my most favorite witer. (ComidaComida. You can find his work on SoFurry if youre curious).
Finding writers who make each sentence so easy and enjoying to read is soooo rare. I might be selfish but I really do hope you continue to put out work for years and decades to come.
Note to RitchLombaroo:
This VN was actually quite fun to read through. I had v 1.2.2 downloaded with Korby in it and also loved his teasing nature. Maybe I just miss that version more or somehow miss Korby XD He was really cute :3
I noticed your English has improved so much too. Although I am usually a picky reader, I do love reading things made by people whose 1st language is not English just because it has a uniqueness of its own. It is actually a big reason why I like this VN so much. It reminds me of having to watch Code Lyoko in French when my 1st and 2nd languages are English and Arabic.
Considering this is a highschool themed VN it gave me a lot of nostalgia for those times. It made me glad to come across this VN.
Thank you for creating this, and although it seems like work to you, I do hope you find the passion for writing up VNs some day.
Next chapter should be out very soon.
Supposedly it should have been out this month considering his pace and promises. I'd reckon no more than 2 months though, and that's like the worst case scenario.
Apparently the creator isn't good on the programming end and the sprites are slowing his progress down.
Build 1.5 In Progress And Sharing Some Concerns. comments · Posted in Build 1.5 In Progress And Sharing Some Concerns. comments
Woah this VN was pretty good. You sure are building up a defense for every kind of accusation. I hope you do find the time to chill. Your art is amazing and those who appreciate it want more. Let the haters hate in silence and let's ignore them. Sure am glad to have stumbled onto your VN. Def deserves all its popularity.
Not much of a theory. You could even argue theyre not of our universe or timeline.
I reckon for better or worse the MC is stuck/chooses to stay there and never going back.
Going by the pacing we should meet the captain. We will then meet even more important people. Drama usually kicks off around that time. I can only guess what will happen.