Post by Dingo in Love For a Beast comments

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Really interesting spin. As someone who enjoys all kinds of fanfics, I'm looking forward to future public updates and seeing how this plays out.

I will give some heads up to other prospective readers and tips for the author. I do hope you won't find this disheartening, but use it to enjoy/improve this VN.

The prose feels quite offbeat. I have a suspicion that English isn't your first language, but I could be wrong. Forgive me if I sound like I am treating you like a baby, but I genuinely want you to improve your writing.

The most common issue you have is putting the important clause at the end of your sentences. "You give it your all and you keep going, one heavy step in front of the other" can be rewritten as "One heavy step in front of the other, you give it your all and keep going".

A clause is an idea; A comma separates two related ideas; A period signals the end of related ideas.

You have many sentences that can be immediately improved just by putting the last clause first. Moreover, when rearranged this way, it can give you more opportunities for vivid imagery when it comes time to write your second draft.

Example of a 2nd draft rewrite: "Kicking up snow-scuffed boots, you plow through pristine powder, creating a knee-height chasm behind you".

I know it sounds funny when reading it aloud, but we tend to stutter on our plosive consonants when we are c-c-cold! It gives a silly stuttering effect that almost seems unintentional, but so relatable.

I'm sure other readers would love it if you made use of other literary techniques, like using internal rhyming words to show the cheerfulness of the characters, or if you needed to express danger, then end your sentences quickly to cohere with the fast pace. If it's too fast, try using assonance to help improve flow and really try to take your time with a thesaurus.

Another quick one I came up with, where I used S sounds to highlight snow and H sounds to highlight happy feelings, combining both to make a happy wintery scene "Sunlight sparkled on the snow-covered fields, creating a shimmering spectacle. Happy shouts filled the air as skiers slid down the slopes, their laughter, a counterpoint to the soft hiss of sleds carving gentle trails. A serene sense of happy contentment saturated the scene, a perfect blend of winter fun and peaceful beauty". You should do your own for the tone that's right for you (and maybe not exaggerate the effect like I did. I exaggerated to make sure you get it). This trick can really help your readers breeze through long text without it getting boring. I must remind you I mean no offense, but reading your VN was a bit of a chore and it was sad to see opportunities slip by.

There are gems just waiting to jump out of your visual novel; you just have to joggle your clause placement to notice them. Sadly though, I would not say the quality is worth the patreon support yet.

BearyJack287 days ago(+3)

Wow, that was a lot. In a good way. You guessed right that English is not my first language and I am aware that my writing isn't the greatest. It is something I really want to improve at, so thanks a lot for all the writing tips you gave me. I will make sure to go over them again and try to implement them in the future.

Dingo286 days ago (5 edits)

Looking forward to it!!!

I'm really impressed with your English skills thus far! If you like, just focus on editing a few passages and see if you notice an improvement. Like I said, the clause placement in some of your sentences need to be reversed, and there are a few opportunities to contract some sentences. If you can improve the sentence structure, then inserting imagery should come more easily.

Original: "It's already hard to move from the cold, and yet there are many more miles of walking left. You are sure you are going to freeze to death, but you prevail".

That passage looks like it could use an edit.

I love the attempt at a contrast in the second sentence, but it is actually a false contrast. You can fix it by changing how you used (", but"). Here's an example: "Despite the near certainty of freezing to death, you prevail".

Given the context of the second sentence, you want to reverse the clause in the first sentence to elevate the foreshadowing. This is how it will work out:

"There are many more miles of walking left, and the cold makes it hard to move. Despite the near certainty of freezing to death, you prevail".

I know it hardly seems great now, but it gives you something to work with in your next draft when you need to insert imagery or set the pacing.

"Ceaseless miles of snow left to trample; The biting cold saps each step I take. Despite the near certainty of freezing to death, you prevail".

I'm sure you noticed another problem even though structure, flow, and imagery have been improved slightly... Shifting from first to second person is a bit disorienting. Generally speaking, you should pick a point of view, then stick to it. I've already seen comments about it, so I feel like there was no need for me to call it out. I didn't feel like stealthily editing it without pointing it out to you first, though.

Here it is in first person "Ceaseless miles of snow left to trample; The biting cold saps each step I take. Despite the near certainty of freezing to death, I prevail". Hope these tips helped. I think I will stop now XD

Oh, I haven't mentioned anything about the art because it is actually nice! I hope the style won't change much since you really got the aesthetic of a fairy tale nailed down. That alone is worth a 5/5.

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