itch.io

I’m a big fan of choosing between an assassin or tank and then describing the abilities you have! I also like how you describe the setting and feelings after we obtain these powers. However, a piece of feedback I have is about the boss fight. I was caught off guard when I saw the two options:

"Trust your discipline and strike in complete harmony / good ending 

Surrender to the wild, unchecked rage of your power / bad ending."

I suggest not straight up stating that one option is the good ending and the other is the bad ending. This will push most players to pick the good ending instead of choosing the other option. Removing those labels would help keep the suspense because the player wouldn’t know which choice will lead to which outcome. It would also keep you immersed in the story instead of reminding you that you’re playing a game and choosing between a “good” or “bad” ending.

I love the introduction of this game, and you really nail the visual novel feeling you’re trying to achieve. The writing is super descriptive, especially when you’re describing the environment. I love how it feels like I’m wandering through the house and trying to uncover what Celine’s deal is. I know this game is far from finished, but if I had to give any feedback, I think it would be awesome to add drawings or images to some of the scenes. But again, your writing is already able to make me imagine everything without them!

I liked the variety of having multiple choices to pick from! Most of them do bring you to a dead end and make you try again, which pushes the player to pick things in a specific order to finally make progress. While I think that’s good, I do think it would be better to have some of these options explore brand new routes instead of just being dead ends.

There are also some wording/dialogue errors. This includes when the dialogue says, “Help? We’re the ones who put you there.” I’m assuming we screamed for help and the people outside said they were the ones who put us there, but it seems like the player is the one saying all of that. 

My favorite part was when we first encountered the man with the red cap and the player had the option to follow him, even though we were informed not to trust him!

I really enjoyed the thought put into the storytelling/writing. For example, I liked how the characters were introduced and how the story transitioned into the next tasks. But I do wish there was more decision making, since I feel like that would make the story even more immersive than it already is.

I noticed this when going through the “Help Self Service” route. A few times after pressing that choice, it was just reading and pushing you towards one outcome without having any other options to make another choice. In the following passages:

“You decide to call over the owner Mr. Baliath and discuss about it. Mr. Baliath simply smiles at the man allowing them entry into the circus.”

“After helping in services you decide to now Help with the carnival games.”

There are mentions of “you decide,” but there wasn’t actually another option for the player to decide. Because of this, it didn’t really feel like I was the one making the decision, and at those parts it felt more like I was reading a book.

Overall, I like the Circus theme and how you write to set the scene, but I just think adding more choices throughout would make the experience feel more like an interactive game!

I like how each name is color-coded. It makes the game more visually appealing and helps me remember who’s who more efficiently. This may be my personal preference, but when Miru and Stella hang out, the color coding stops. I'm not sure if it was because it’s a WIP, but it did catch me off guard. I do also suggest maybe breaking out the dialogue. It's a bit lengthy, so a suggestion I have is to break it up into passages. 

Just to provide an example, in the following passage: "Hey! Miru! My boy! Come over here!" Called Damien the Scrafty as he was sitting next to Lara the Steenee.”

 You can add an option here to follow Damien's call or not. Then, if Miru does follow, you can paste the following dialogue you already have: "I'm coming!" Replies Miru as he was walking toward his two best friends. "Miru, you gotta look at this! This idol girl is really cute! I wish I could go on a date with her!" 

That way it's easier to read instead of just reading everything and then making a choice. I really enjoyed your writing, though! It’s expressive, and I love how I can imagine each action without the help of pictures!