Honestly, I'm quite speechless after playing this game - and so I will try my best to form coherent thoughts about it.
Since I always do try to touch on technical aspects - I appreciate that, in this game, there were none. There's nothing except the text, playing out on a black screen. It's hollow and empty and lifeless and it perfectly encapsulates the feelings that the game is trying to portray. The game FORCES you to focus entirely on the words, and they're painful to experience. It's a brilliant construction - one that simultaneously represents the MC's attitude towards their passion, their mindset as a whole, and the "anti-glamorization" of suicide as a topic.
==========TW: Discussions of suicide/mental health==========
The rollercoaster of emotions through this game is heartbreaking. At first, it seems like the MC is just losing passion for their craft - it's disheartening, but understandable, and not too worrying. And yet then, you can see how that attitude towards their passion extends to other things - and recognize how bad the situation actually is. And then - there's a brief moment of optimism, where the MC regains determination to take control over their life and decides to LIVE - before it all goes crashing down. And then it just spirals - even reflected in the prose itself ("get up. get punched to the ground. get up. get punched to the ground"). And finally there's just a moment of resignation - that nothing will change. It perfectly encapsulates the feelings of a suicidal person - the downward spiral, the brief moments of positivity, the feeling that, at the end of it all, you're lying at the bottom of this gigantic hole, and you can't get out. And it isn't even worth trying.
I think what made me cry the most about this game is not the suicidal ideation itself, or even the conclusion - instead, it's the sheer amount of kindness and encouragement the MC has towards others in their life. How they recognize how much kindness and love their friends extend towards them, but they're not quite able to take those words to heart. How they worry whether their friends will feel bad after they're gone. How they want others to succeed and be happy and make their games - to do things they can't. How they put all of their effort into putting on a mask - to convince their friends that they were fine and happy. "i put all of my strength into making sure my friends remember me being happy" is such a POWERFUL line. It's absolutely shattering that the MC can extend this kindness and understanding to others and can't treat themselves in the same way - and yet it happens to so many of us. And at the end of it all - the MC still implores the audience not to follow them. To find another solution. Because they know it's not the solution. The last line "I'm sorry for not finishing the game" - is such a poignant one. As if the MC knows that it's not the solution, and somehow they're disappointing everyone - and, in their final moments, they're not at peace, they're not happy that it's over - they're just sorry.
The discussion of suicide as a "meta" concept in media is an interesting one - suicide happens so easily in a story because the author just writes it. For a writer, writing a suicide is "effortless." It's a simple concept, and it's something that I've felt (that sometimes things in media feel "cheap" or "exploitative") - and yet I've never really been able to vocalize it. I think that applies to a lot of things in media - murder is easy. Trauma is easy. Even healing from trauma is easy. The author just commands the character, and it's done. And we shouldn't do that. It's never "effortless."
I do eventually want to tackle the topic of suicide in a work. I actually have a game actively planned for this year, where I hope to tackle the topic in a sensitive, compassionate, and understanding way. However, after playing this game - I am profoundly humbled. It made me realize that, despite my good intentions, I have NOT adequately explored the depths of the topic; I have not fleshed out the MC well enough. Currently, his reasons for committing the act can be summed up in a few sentences - when it's never that simple. A few lines from the devlog struck me very deeply - the fact that many authors treat suicide as a "physical act," when it reality it is a "slow death." I will reassess my outline with greater thoughtfulness. Thank you for the lesson.
I cried a lot while playing this, and it touched me in ways that I really can't explain. Thank you very much for making this. And to Ewelina, most of all - thank you.