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-Fastest time from launch to retarded screenshaking award goes to you! Congratulations!
-Selecting the name text and clicking somewhere else produces the explosion too, no idea why

In the options there's a way to turn off screenshake.

-Let me press [Escape] to go back in menus

Will be in next update

-Vertically center short menus, such as "Profile"

There will be more info on this page next update

-Not a fan of [A][D] for strafing, would prefer [Q][E] as defaults and [A][D] either move to the sides or disabled
-Where's the fuggin key rebinding, what is this shit

key rebinding will be in next update

-It's not obvious where I'm taking damage from, died what felt like arbitrarily 

there will be an arrow pointing at the enemy that damaged you next update

-Game is smooth and feels good, but my laptop GPU is in the constant state of about to catch on fire

Glad you liked how everything felt. Optimization is still being worked on, but in the meantime, did the game run better at low settings?

-No idea what my goal is 

In first line in the description it states that it's a Survival Arena Shooter, you basically move really fast around a randomly generated arena and kill as many Angels as possible for the best score.

-I'm never not pressing both mouse buttons, add a toggle shoot for each gun optionally if not by default

In the options there's a way to enable One Button Shooting that fires both guns with one click

-My name wasn't saved on relaunch

Will be saved in next update

Thanks a ton for taking the time to play the game, I really appreciate the feedback! Makes me happy~