Indeed XD.
Was cool to learn about someone else point of view on what is "horrific"; came at the right time to because by chance I rather recently had quite the nightmare that I for some reason ended up loving because it interested me much.
For context, it was a dream about me living a full year of sexual and mental abuse in one of my stories worlds (I feel close to no sexual drive irl so this nightmare came as a surprise). This nightmare was just so intriguing to me that I just had to write it all down; all about the disgust, fear, pain, the fucked up bliss coming from the drugs I was fed, how my mind felt like it was going to split, losing or more like "surrendering my agency",...
It was truly an awful experience and yet... I almost wanted to go back. I wanted to go back and understand what it truly meant for me. What was I really thinking about those things I never seemed to be able to get a grasp on.
It felt like it gave me the opportunity to pear my gaze into my very own abyss (if it makes any sense ^^') and withdraw visions of something I shouldn't come to know; and quite evidently, I wanted to know more if not everything.
I'm not going to write a full essay on it here (after all it isn't my creator page XD) but yeah; I loved and hated this nightmare, and so I think I can somewhat understand your relation with yours :).