I'd be happy to proofread the game in English if it'd help although I'd likely do that if I bought it anyway (I was playing with my daughter (she wanted to get to the mini-game sections!) this time so I didn't have the where-with-all to note the two (three?) improvements I would have suggested - I'll go back through when I have time and note them for you :)
Viewing post in Kickstarter preorder shop is open comments
Hey Jellyfish, that sounds so lovely that you are playing the Game with your daughter 💜 if you have questions or suggestions we would love to hear them! We have a discord server and channel for this reason if you want you can join there: https://discord.gg/dcRbYHWHMs 😊
Translation suggestions:
"It could use some help. (Tutorial)" choice to do the quest making tutorial would be better as "I could use some help. (Tutorial)" or "It could use a dusting off. (Tutorial)" / "It could use improvement. (Tutorial)" / "It could use some refining. (Tutorial)" - the issue being that "It" is an inanimate object but "help" is generally used about animates (or those that mimic them, e.g. machines), processes, memories or static objects don't count (at least in English).
The first time Caerlin leaves (during the quest making tutorial) the sentence spoken my "Me" ends "-..." long dash, ellipsis but the second time when "Fable" is speaking it just ends with "..." an ellipsis ... the end of the word is then said with only an ellipsis at the start... I would recommend removing the long dash for consistency.
Undead rumour "An unusual amount"... would be better as "An unusual number"... "amount" is normally used with uncountable objects (rice, water, fish), "number" (in this context) with countable objects (rice grains, litres of water, fishes) - I don't make the rules (they're more like guidelines) but I sure wish I could sometimes! :D
Purple werewolf rumour; "The werewolf previously has been seen" - technically, grammatically correct, rarely used in International, British or American English (likely also true of other Commonwealth Englishes), "The werewolf has previously been seen" is used instead or, avoiding that grammatical argument, "Previously the werewolf has been seen". Also "A nomad or do they"... would be better punctuated "A nomad? or do they" / "A nomad? Or do they" as the two parts of the "or" are different structures (noun then question). Capitalising the "O" is a very modern thing and rather American so I'd advise the small "o" though it is generally considered grammatically incorrect in British and American English now... other English beg to differ however.
The werewolf quest itself: "Apparently" as the rest of the statement doesn't "belong" to any other statement.
Conversing with Fable about the werewolf quest; "good with a bow." not "good with the bow." (standard phrase), "Yes, Fable" not "Yes Fable"(grammar), "around any wood" not "around any woods" (singular vs plural - names are deceptive ;) "makes a decision for me" not "makes the decision for me" (there are at least two choices to choose from so the definitive article can, maybe, only be used in some American dialects.), "... in general?" not "... In general?" (the ellipsis is not a period but stands in for the first word(s) in the sentence so it doesn't start with a capital), "You are too harsh on yourself Fable." not "You are too harsh on yourself Fable" (missing period), "someone... like" not "someone... Like" (an ellipsis is not a period, especially when there is a run-on sentence), can I suggest "cucumber" instead of "zucchini" as that is a North America only name for a courgette in every other English and cucumber avoids this issue and is almost identical euphemistically as well as physically! "give up before I have even tried" not "give up before I even tried" (the latter is primarily American slang - Fable seems to avoid slang), "run away really quickly" not "run away real quick" (the latter is primarily American slang - Fable seems to avoid slang but for these two cases), "Is going to embark" not "Am going to embark" (assuming this is supposed to be in the third-person, else "I am going to embark").
I'm afraid that is as far as I have time for right now, apologies... will try and do the rest at some other time. I hope it helps but I must also say that there are very few genuine errors and most of the above are matters of tone and style rather than actual errors but then again so much effort seems to have been used to differentiate each characters' style and tone and use of language that I figured I'd include those too - at least where they stood out the most :)
Thank you so much for your detailed response! I'll make sure to let the team know 💜but I also wanted to let you know that the demo currently available is not the final version of the game (and especially the text), we have somebody on hand who does an English editorial for the final version of the Game. The quality of the writing and the game overall is essential to us.😊
Cheers,
Tommy
No problem, I'm aware that some teams are not able to have someone on hand to translate to other languages and either have to wing it or get only a single pass through the script (and as a proofreader I'm keenly aware that mistakes always slip through the cracks of any serious length of text! Even renowned authors working in their own tongue have spelling, grammar and punctuation mistakes in their novels, let alone tone or stylistic errors! :) so I'm happy to help.
And even though this is a demo I know that small things can make a big difference to sales at times and that if this section was used in the game there is also a chance that it would not be as carefully checked as it had already been "used in the wild" as it were, so worth pointing out if only on those merits! :)
It was very clear to me that you also wanted to pay a lot of attention to the language used by how carefully each character's characterisation was also driven by their speech; Fable's precision but constant punctuation, the Innkeeper's careful choice of words and very clean dialogue with clear though put into their speech before uttering it, Caerlin's guttural and clipped speech, the Vampire's ostentatiousness... the Dwarf was the only one I felt had a less clear voice but there was so little to go on I'll have to wait for the release I guess (though I might be inclined to suggest a little more of a gruff tone, maybe muffle some of the syllabents due to the heavy beard?) I am a definite fan and enjoy giving and reading accents in written text... my daughter adores the young adult novels of Terry Pratchett for this, particularly the Nac Mac Feegle with their broad Scots accent! :D
I bid you all the best with the full version of the game and I hope you are able to make a success of it - it certainly deserves it and the hints in the demo certainly suggest it should be possible with what you have (team and all)! :)