First of all, love the pun. Second of all, the setting and words you choose are hilarious, I found myself laughing out loud a couple times. "Her presence excited him, as did the way her spiracles heaved during their dinners together. It was Crustmas and the dander fell in delicate white sheets," is something I never thought I'd read.
I'd love to see this finished! Good job on a first time and solo jam :D I wish you'd found an artist to help out, I feel like images of the scenes would have added a lot.