Funnily enough, I started drafting a post last Friday that’s like a general across-the-board update on everything that I’m working on, my personal struggles this year, and my hopes/plans for 2024. I’m not sure when I’ll actually manage to finish it and get it posted though >.< I was aiming for late November / early December to get it posted by.
As you know though, I find making posts and anything like that extremely stressful, so it takes a hell of a lot of energy to get through it x3 This post here took me 5 days of writing a bit, then having to turn off my computer and come back to it again the next day. It’s just so draining.
In the time it took me to write this post, I wasn’t able to work on anything else because it just sapped the life outta me. I had to retreat under my duvet a couple of times to just black everything out and get away from it. The same will happen as I attempt to draft the post I mentioned over the course of the next week+.
I used to think that feeling the overwhelming need to get away like that was silly, and I felt ashamed of it, but since getting my ASD diagnosis, I’ve been taught that it’s relatively common for folks on the autistic spectrum and that I should embrace stuff like that if it helps make me feel better. My friend even has her own recovery den that she retreats to when she's feeling overwhelmed or struggling with sensory problems.
I’m also a little confused and honestly somewhat hurt by your mentions of giving up or leading people on because I’ve never done that at any point and never intend to >.< The suggestion is almost insulting, but I’m guessing it comes from a place of ignorance rather than an intention to cause hurt.
Just because I’m awful at writing regular public posts and such, and slow to make progress on certain projects, it doesn’t mean anything. It just is what it is >.<
I’ve always been open and honest with people who’ve directly asked for progress updates and such. And I’ve always openly stated how my mental health and personal situations impact my dev stuff. I've never hidden that at any point.
It’s comments like this (among others) that make me want to dive back under my duvet and not come out for a while >.<
I know things are slow, but I’m trying my best. I'm going at this slow pace because I'm trying to look after my health as best as I can. If I try and force myself to work on projects I don't feel like working on, they'll just turn out kinda awful like Love in Lockdown did >.< I'd rather take my time, put different things on hold, work on different stuff, and come back to other stuff when I'm feeling like it than completely mess something up.
I still released 3 games this year, so it's not like I'm not doing stuff. I'm just choosing to prioritise what's practical and what I can cope with under current conditions.
I don’t see why there would even be any sort of timescale or expectation for things to be posted by or projects to be finished by when this is my hobby :( My mum doesn’t have people breathing down her neck telling her to hurry up and finish a piece of her cross stitching that she’s had to put on hold for however long for whatever reasons. It doesn't mean she's not making progress, or that she'll never finish it. I don’t see why my hobby should be any different.
Things will be done when they’re done >.< If people want to stick around for that, then that’s extremely kind of them and I appreciate their support and their patience. If they don’t, that’s entirely up to them. I can’t change the way I work to suit other people, and according to my therapist, I shouldn’t try to, especially when I struggle to stay afloat as it is.
Game dev is an escape for me. It’s more than just a hobby. It’s a coping mechanism for life. I’m not asking anyone for attention, or money, or anything. I just want to escape to other worlds the same as I do when I play games because it’s less painful than spending time in reality >.< If people happen to enjoy what I’m doing then that makes me happy and I’m grateful for that, but I can’t give more than what I already am because I’m already putting everything I have into what I’m doing. I know it wouldn’t be considered good enough by most people’s standards, but I’m not most people.
I know you’re only trying to help and I do appreciate that. It’s just, at the end of the day, I’m not in a position to try and sell what I’m doing here. I’m extremely restricted both by the laws of the country I live in, by the limitations of my personal living situation, and the impact my mental health struggles have on me on a day-to-day basis. These are things I’ve posted about on numerous occasions in the hope that anyone who happens to be following me might gain a better understanding of why things are the way they are, and to (hopefully) lower their expectations if they have any.
I’m already struggling to hold myself together as it is. However it may appear, I struggle to function. It's a silly example, but I only get my hair cut a couple of times a year because I find it so hard to go to a salon (not to mention the fact that it costs £50+ >.<) Some days, I wake up with all the motivation and willpower in the world, and one little thing happens, like having to answer the door to the postman, or my dad coming in from work depressed, or reading a negative comment here on itch, and boom, all of my energy is gone in an instant and I immediately become utterly useless until recharged.
I need professional help with my mental health, and I’m getting it, slowly. Having an actual ASD diagnosis has been immensely helpful, but as my therapist said, it’s going to take years of therapy to try and undo the damage that’s been done trying to live my life as an undiagnosed autistic woman because layers and layers of trauma and abuse have built up due to it.
I don’t even know who I am >.< Thankfully, she thinks therapy with autism in mind will help, but the waiting list to even get started on a proper course of it is gonna be up to another year or three because of how underfunded and overwhelmed the NHS is.
I basically live my life in survival mode and have been doing so for as long as I can remember. I can’t even recall a time where a week would pass and I didn’t dwell on suicidal thoughts at some point. Sure, I still experience happy times, but that doesn't erase the constant mental anguish. Doing game dev is about the only distraction I have from that, but it can sometimes also contribute to it >.<
I know it’s a weird one, but keeping people updated on progress and such is something I find extremely difficult. And sticking to just 1 project at a time is something I also find extremely difficult. According to my therapist, for a woman with ASD though, it’s fairly normal.
I’ve never given up on a project before though, and unless I die before being able to complete what I’ve currently got on the go or some other factor beyond my control prevents me from finishing, I never intend to. But the more I’m told to do something, or the more I’m asked how long something is going to take, the longer it’s going to take overall, because each time that stuff is mentioned, it chips away at the motivation I have to work on stuff at all.
I know that when people ask stuff like that, they don’t mean to demotivate me. They’re just excited to see more because they enjoyed it, and that means a heck of a lot to me. But it doesn’t change the fact that it does demotivate me. I don’t want to feel that way. It just happens >.< Every time I see someone ask, I feel grateful that they’re interested, but then I also feel like I’ve been tripped up and fallen flat on my face. It takes me a while to pick myself back up and carry on what I was doing.
Anyways, I’m gonna shut up on that cos as I mentioned, I’m writing a big post about it anyways which will detail progress made + plans for next year among other things, and just writing this has taken so much out of me that I feel like I need to abandon my PC for the rest of the day.
I want to say though that I have a lot of respect for you and I think you’re a very kind and generous person with a wealth of valuable knowledge and experience, but sometimes I feel like you really don’t understand my situation at all >.< If you did, you wouldn’t write something like this. It feels like being stabbed in the heart with a knife even though I know you wouldn't have intended that.
I know you don't know everything that's going on with me, but we've spoken about stuff to do with my mental health at length in private conversations, enough for you to know I find posting updates and social media difficult >.< And it's not like I've gotten any better. If anything, things are constantly getting worse as time goes on.
I'm so, so tired of having to explain why I don't measure up to people's expectations, exhausted that people even have expectations of me at all, and weary of being underestimated just because I can't perform as well as most people. I'm already painfully aware that I'm not as capable as most, but I'm trying my best to do what I can.