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The android port of the game just isn't working at all, and I can't find anything about why. I install it, load it up, and it just sits on the classroom "now loading" screen for a while. Eventually, it asks to get access to my photos and videos, which I don't see at all why it would need access to that, and whether I hit allow or not, it goes back to doing nothing.

Assuming that it's just taking forever to load and not completely freezing, as there's nothing to show it's actively doing anything beyond that one popup, why is there an android port at all if it's so slow 10 minutes isn't enough time to load the game. 

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It works for most people, I can assume that you're on android 12 or 13, which can cause problems, and I can't say why either.
The game asks for permissions to save your progress.

Try redownload the game from itch or patreon, delete the version that you have installed, reboot your phone and reinstall it. Hope that helps.