HOW TO BECOME A PROFESSIONAL SIMP
To simp or not to simp? That is the real question. The struggle is real, man…
I'm back with a vengeance and today I've got a lesson plan on the art of professional simping. You think deranged anime boys and DreamWorks ogres (who shall remain nameless) was the full extent of my simping abilities. Well you're dead wrong, dear mortal. Here, we only have the spiciest takes on weirdly attractive characters. So come with me, my student. I will teach you the ways of the simp…
(WARNING: This is kind of a crack post. Please don't take it too seriously😂. Brain cells may get lost in the process)
Lesson 1: Don't like normal things
You know the saying 'we can't have nice things'? Well for simps, the saying is 'we can't have normal things.' You wanna have a crush on the cute anime girl or the righteous hero? WRONG. You actually wanna have a crush on the ugly space squid or the very morally corrupt villain. When you tell people your fictional crush, you want to leave them with open mouths, bulging eyes and probably a heart attack while you're at. We live life dangerously! So next time when you're watching SpongeBob and Larry the Lobster comes on screen, I hope you know what to do, my student
Lesson 2: Don't have friends
Like any. Childhood friends, frenemies and all other anime clichés are off the table. A simp only focuses on the love of their life even if they're fictional. Others may think that's pathetic, but we believe that we're just goal-oriented. And because of that, no friends allowed. This should be easy if you've done Lesson 1. They've either cut all contact with you because of your RAD simp energy making them jealous or they died of a heart attack. Now all you have to do now is make a shrine dedicated to your lover and binge watch whatever content they can be found in. It may be lonely, but that's just the price to pay in order to become the ultimate simp
Lesson 3: Be broke
Ever heard of a rich simp? Of course you haven't because they don't exist. When you care so much about your fictional crush, you spend thousands upon thousands of money buying their merch, figurines and other stuff. Money buys affection, okay? Even if they're not real and therefore their affection isn't real, you still love them. We have to show our loyalty to them. So yeah, just be broke in general. This should be an easy step thanks to the ever declining economy, ha ha ha (*cries*)
You did it! Now you're a professional simp. I'm so proud of you! Now go my student and spread the word of the simp❤️