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Sarun2 years ago

I think the time gaps from late night, early morning, nd in between could use more detail, you have a bunch of characters, need to use them!  This is a third person story like a sitcom or soap opera, while it doesn't have to have a lot of detail it is important to know what is going on with each other character, least when they are on the Commune!  They do speak to each other right?  Need to get a feel for their interpersonal relationships!  No interactions or dialogue from Mica during helping?  Even a children's book would do better! :/

Chapters 1 through 3 flowed together.  This 4th one did not, it was like a chop shop, spiced together and disjointed, little detail and interaction.  It really felt like the story wasn't being taken seriously.  For this I would hope you add in the missing 60 to 70% at some point!

Time skips often are a killer of opportunity.

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shunaka2 years ago (1 edit)

Thank you for your comment! It's quite difficult to get input on a project so it's appreciated.

I agree with your point, concerning transitions- I will look into making them more organic and informative.

I disagree with having scenes with side characters interacting for the sake of adding extra relationship or background information or for atmosphere. I have considered various ways of adding extra narrative but, it seems to me side dialog will break the pace of the story. Also, it could easily end up with what they call in playwriting a feather-duster scene (side characters talking about the main character). On a side note, one of my pet peeves with furry VN writing is there is too much trivial dialog that doesn't move the story along; something I work hard to avoid.

That being said there are constant relationship reveals among the characters throughout the story, some in the dialog but a lot in the images. I realize that's an unconventional way to handle storytelling in the visual novel format but over the course of the story I think it will work. We'll see.

Now the story POV does change in chapter 4 from limited third person to episodically limited third person. Looking over the chapter again, I probably should tighten up that transition. It's complex but comparisons to children's books is a bit of hyperbole.

Again thanks for the input, it's very helpful!

Shunaka  

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Sarun2 years ago

Maybe your right about it all, but I don't feel the same level of connectivity as the first three chapters, it feels like it deviates.  Although if this was to be just for this chapter (and occasional chapter), then I think I'd feel like its more normal, as then it would have a proper pattern.  I guess this chapter feels more like filler and fluff since not much happens.  Ironic (for me anyway) that to remove (or not have) filler content is to make it feel like filler content, as the main focus gets all the attention, but is broken up...

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