My, My! I see why someone did not like the VN… The phasing is fast. Yes, A bit too fast. But I can tell that it has some work in it. vkywrufwe you might want to write the story first on a document, then separate it in a VN format, like if it was a Script of a play. Then have someone read it for you… If you have no CG or art to follow in a scene, try to give a detailed description, while slowly building to it.
Also, try to give descriptions on some items a little more detail. Mostly try to create a solid stage in someone mind. Think of asking, yourself, how much the reader can see by getting a description. And do remember to give a description of the place they are… for example: During the tavern scene, they are kinda talking to each other and getting frisky.
But, there is no idea where they are and if it is in front of anyone. I would guess the dragon can have a little more decency on public… or not it depends, as I know little about the character, so I can’t say. Furthermore, if the dragon is a Horny Beast, that is normal in this world, let us know. It can save a little the setup of both MC and Cid.
For the phasing a tip I can give, is give them time to know each other… It can be in the same day and get frisky, but make the day last. Don’t give a vague adventure, show little meaning less talk, sometimes is just the little things that can make a scene more enjoyable. Talk about little interests, their travels, adventures, embarrassing encounters, or traumatic events, create a story behind them to make them interesting.
Also reveal the characters slowly… or you will run your head out of ideas. And if you have too many, write them down to use in the future. On real life, we do not pay attention to the little things on our day-to-day life, unless it is with someone we like or want to know. MC can become more perceptive or less… He will remember the little things if he is writing from a fond memory or even a traumatic one.
I hope this helps you a bit on it. It might be a prototype, but do give it an ending. Prototypes on Development can also be good to tell how much you still need to think before going for the big things. (I know that a bit too well…)