I don't really like games with lots of text, so this comment is going to be a little bias, but i think you should add something to spice up the reading, in the process of looking at other people's game a stumbled upon a gem, a great game with loads of text, that manages to stay interesting (LINK here: To Get Her by Crow Seeds (itch.io)) not going to spoil it to you, but i think you should check it out. It has the feeling of a videogame mixed in with the feeling of a novel.
Not that your writing is bad, from what I read (and I read little), I quite like the story, but there is nothing to spice it up. If you participate in a GAME jam want to see a game not a visual novel.
Sorry for the quite harsh critique, but I want to make my feeling clear