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It might just be my computer or the way I got the file, but I still want some help.

I don't have home wifi, or Hotspot, so I downloaded the Windows file on my phone, extracted all, copied the opened zip file to my Windows 8 Toshiba laptop, and double clicked on the file to launch it. 

Then an error message pops up saying that the file has a "Bad Image" and the description says that either the file wasn't designed to run on Windows, which is unlikely, or that or that the file itself contains an error.

I want this game, and it SEEMS simple enough for my laptop to not die while playing it, so I could really use some help.

Make sure to extract the file on the PC and not the phone. Download on the phone, transfer to PC, extract, and see if you can play it. Make sure your antivirus/firewall on your laptop and phone isn't blocking the file. Also, make sure you are on an x64 (64-bit) PC and not an x86 (32-bit) PC.

When I try to extract it from my computer, instead of my phone, the unopened zip file is just empty, 0 Bytes.

I don't have a firewall.

Woah woah woah, I have a LAPTOP, not a PC. The thing up there said it needed Windows or Mac, it never mentioned anything about it requiring a PC!

PC is considered Windows. PC only means Portable Computer which includes desktops and laptops. Even desktops are considered portable relative to the ancient computers which would take up an entire room. But generally, by PC, I mean just any computer.

Okay, but what about the empty zip file thing?