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I'm sorry to be such a whiner but the more I have played, the more infuriating the automatic diagonal jumps have become. I have to be consciously thinking about it the whole time to not screw up. I probably don't want to play this anymore unless this gets changed.

Sorry to hear this. It's not an automatically diagonal jump, just your horizontal velocity is maintained when you start a jump. You can adjust in air. Have you tried a different joystick?