Hi there! I wrote a review for the latest build of TND and posted it below. It includes some constructive feedback, but it is all given out of a desire to help and contribute beyond just playing the game. Even if you decide not to read my whole review (which I totally understand; it's long), I wish you the best of luck!! There's also a TL;DR at the bottom.
(Edit: Also, would you perhaps consider putting an 18+ flag on the game or adding a disclaimer at the top of the description page? It would be unfortunate for any minors or people who just don’t want to read explicit sex to get blindsided.)
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Overall rating:
As of WIP build released Nov 7, 2020: 2.25/5
One-sentence review:
While the character and cutscene-graphic art is lovely and I have the utmost respect for the effort and tenacity that have doubtlessly gone into this project, I feel that The Neptune Diaries’ writing and story have ample room for improvement in the areas of technical correctness, purpose, style, and voice.
Completion:
Partial; dropped.
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Detailed feedback and TL;DR below!
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Summary:
I deeply apologize if any of this comes off as harsh/rude — I genuinely admire both of you for creating a game and putting it online; that’s such an insane accomplishment! I’m offering this feedback as an editor/writer and visual novel enthusiast out of a desire to help. The rest of the comments section does not seem to be putting forth any critique, but this may be because you have a feedback form somewhere else -- if so, I apologize for misplacing this post!
I imagine you’re still very much in the process of writing and editing -- as a player, I just wanted to offer some thoughts on some things to potentially consider on your next read-through. Of course, feel more than free to ignore my comment if you’re just enjoying yourselves and you don’t want some chick getting all ‘English major’ in your comments section. I won’t take offense at all!
Anyways, I wish you both the best of luck! You’re very tenacious to have come this far in such an ambitious project, and I’m excited to see how you continue your development. Have a good November; make sure to stay safe and wear a mask! :)
Writing:
It’s clear that a lot of effort has been put into this project, and I genuinely respect and admire that immensely. However, the most integral piece of any story is its writing, and I think that happens to be TND’s greatest opportunity for growth. The writing in the game is riddled with grammatical errors as well as what I felt was a plethora of clunky phrasing and repetitive sentence structure, which was amplified by vague worldbuilding and exposition. There were also many instances where things were worded in a manner that was just slightly off. The first time I noticed this was in the use of the phrase “people trafficking” by the police authority in the first chapter. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone use that phraseology and it stuck out to me that an authority would misname that crime.
The style of writing makes me feel uncomfortable when reading intimate scenes. With all due respect, it feels to me like a story written by (and/or for?) a demographic a good few years below the age of consent, and the injection of explicit sexual activity into that environment makes me feel some...very unpleasant cognitive dissonance. Most of the characters are purportedly 20+, but the writing doesn’t evoke the way adults think and speak; to me, it sounds much more like a young teenager narrating the story, which adds a layer of distinct discomfort to the sex scenes.
Tangentially, I do not care for the first person semi-omniscient narrative framing in general. I feel that it, in this case, contributed to my age and repetition concerns, and it, in general, weakens the players’ abilities to immerse themselves within their own version of the MC.
So far, based on what I have read, it is my best guess that TND has not gone through many comprehensive revision sweeps — I think pursuing revision by an editor, a critique partner, a beta reader, or even a proofreader would be helpful. Someone who is experienced in writing but who did not work on the game could help point out grammatical and potential story/clarity issues that it would be harder to see for the person who wrote the text originally.
Story:
I’m so sorry to say this, but I did not feel terribly invested in the game's plot, due to both my feelings about the writing and a lack of compelling stakes for the main character. I don’t feel like I...know what’s going on when I read TND. The world-building feels a bit...floaty? undefined? For instance, beyond an inexperienced detective, who are we? What has our life been like? Why is a rookie assigned to a high-stakes human trafficking case (and, if it's abnormal, why is the main character not concerned at all)? I feel like I wasn’t able to get a grasp on the main character as a person, so it was difficult to empathize with them. However, I love the founding idea behind the story and I think there's a lot of potential there!
This isn’t a huge point, but I think it warrants some mention -- I don’t think the BDSM etiquette in Ren’s route is handled as well as it could be. I can’t endorse a lack of communication preceding any kind of sexual activity, but this principle applies triply when a participating party is planning on whipping out a deadly weapon during sex. The game doesn’t give you the option give fully informed consent beforehand or the option to withdraw that consent during the scene, both of which I think are important, especially given the…knife involvement.
Art:
As I mentioned earlier, the art is quite nice — especially the cutscene-graphic pieces, which are downright lovely. I think there’s a bit of a style mismatch between some backgrounds and characters when framed together, but the sprites themselves are good and have personality! The digital painting on Ren’s and Emer’s respective sprites especially stuck out to me as visually pleasing — very clean. Genuinely, I love the CGs; they're stunning. Kudos!
TL;DR:
Setting: Seems quite interesting once you manage to suspend your disbelief! I would love of the worldbuilding in the opening were more in-depth, but so far you definitely have a cool tidbit.
Story: Some logical inconsistencies and a lack of balanced exposition hinder my engagement with the concept some. However, in elevator-pitch form, the ideas at work seem interesting!
Writing: The many grammatical errors and the unyielding first-person narration made my reading experience a bit difficult and lacking in engagement.
Art: Lovely! Art style differences between backgrounds and sprites stand out occasionally, but nothing too jarring. The CGs especially are beautiful!
OK, you made it! Thanks for reading, and I want to emphasize again that I have absolutely no hate or other hard feelings towards the devs or fans of TND. All feedback is given out of benevolence and love for the art form. Best of luck again, and stay safe! :)