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you might need to press on the screen of the game for it to work, if it dosen't work then idk.

(+1)

I can move left and right, jump, and crouch, but I just can't find a way to bonk. Neither Shift key does anything when I press it.

yeah, didn't have time to animate it , if you touch the monsters with the baton and press shift it should work

(+1)

Ooooh, I see the monsters falling away when I mash Shift now. Neat, thanks!