itch.io

Noticed quite a few grammar issues in Prologue and Ch 1 so far I wanted to alert you to, mainly involving keeping your verb tenses consistent. For the sake of this, I'm assuming you want the protagonist to tell the story in present tense.

• You accidentally spoil Blu's name once while you have it "???" for the rest of the intro.
•  "I'm trying to fish for my cap"
  • "try"
• "I stretches my hands under my bed"
  • stretch

• "I heard you screamed
• scream
• "But seriously, what kind of sickness i have, actually"

  
  

  • I might replace this with "I don't know what kind of sickness I actually have."
• "She often gave me those weird medicines"
  • these
• "It taste...awful..."
• tastes




• "same weird dream whenever I took the medicines"
  • take
• "On the dining table , is a plate of pancakes"

  
  

  • Remove the comma
• "Staying inside the house, couldn't even leave"
  • can't
• I take one medicine out of the medicine case, and was about to drink it
  • If you're trying to stay in present tense, I would replace it with "go to drink it"
•  "I hopped onto my bed and immediately falls asleep" 
  • hop  ;  fall 
• "I'm... so painful"

  
  

  • I would say either "I'm... in so much pain" or "It's so... painful"
• "He drink those medicines too?"
  •  drinks

First Blood:

•  "Hello, there. What can I help you?
  • Remove the comma; How can I
• "the customer ran to check his wife"

  
  

  • runs ; check on
• "As curious, the clerk walks out from her restaurant to see what happen..."
  • The beginning of the sentence needs a little work. You could say "Becoming curious, the clerk..."
  • what's happening or happened could both be appropriate here
• "She was flabbergasted"
  • Assuming you want this section to be in present tense, is

• "In front of her is a giant purple..."
  • Remove the two commas in this sentence
• "It was devouring"
  • It devours
• "The creature soon stared at the clerk"

  
  

  • turns to stare fits better here
• "The creature slowly approach to the clerk"

  
  

  • approaches, get rid of "to"
• "The clerk attempts to run but tripped"
  • trips
• "The creature opens its huge mouth and was about to swallow"

  
  

  • goes to swallow
• "a bullet struck the creature"

  
  

  • strikes
• "Convince the hunt"
  • Commence the hunt!
• Louis and Jacob pursued the creature and cornered it...

  
  

  • pursue the creature, cornering it
• "So we wouldn't let you get away!"

  
  

  • won't"

In the battle tutorial

• "Once their HP dropped to 0"
  • "is reduced"
• "The HP of certain characters will gets higher"

  
  

  • "get"
• "which either deal damage, healing, or increase the Energy"
  • to keep tense consistent, use "heal" or "heal a party member"
• "Damage of certain characters will gets"

  
  

  • "get"

Post-battle

• "Still love his Zinger Crunch and short as usual"
  • I would flip the "short as usual" to the front of the sentence; loves 
• David hangs up the call
  • "hung"
• "he will immediately shows up and help them"

  
  

  • show
• Just as a sidenote, you may want to consider eliminating the honorifics (e.g. niichan) from your dialogue. At least to me, they pull me out of the narrative and taint the tone a bit.
• "The reason how they turn into The Corrupted"
  • "why"

Eric and Fiona

• "It just like trapping inside a bird cage"
  • "It's" ; "being trapped"
• "But mom wouldn't  let me"

  
  

  • won't 
• "Fiona slowly walk back"

  
  

  • "walks"
• "Eric, how many time I've told you..."

  
  

  • "have I"
• "Have you take one in the morning"

  
  

  • "Did you take one this morning?"
• "You still haven't sleep?"
  • Would either say "You're still not asleep?" or "You still haven't fallen asleep" or "You still aren't asleep?"

-------I'm cutting off my edits here as I have stuff to do today----

You may want to invest in time editing  and also find an editor for the rest of the script. Let me know if you would like more help with editing, we can talk on discord or something.