Hey, I just uploaded something for the first time and I'm now working an a more zoomed in story set in the same world about the man who led the dumm K'ohar over the ice. But I have genuinely no idea if my storytelling is on the right track so feedback and advice could really be helpfull. My dream is to write and direct screenplays and write comic eventually. I start this way cause funding things like this need a portfollio or big savings. I hope to build certaintity and build my portfolio at the same time. Please be honest, I don't need sugar coating. I need ways to improve and create a carreer in what i love.

Kind regards,    

Thibaud Dewaele or maybe one day Tol

mark 1: The scar of time and longing of freedom > They had enough. >> what was the triggering event that led to riot? who/what became the crystallization point?

mark 2: The Ramanuleho from Ramano, who lived in the cold, rigid terrains of the mountains separating the northern and southern parts of the continent. 
...

Each slave would aid taking over a ship and sail to the northern trade route. 

>>it is hard to visualize. Lets imagine you have a one continent, pangea-like, with mountains horizontally across it. It is hard to imagine pirate actions in a mountain ranges. A reader needs a map.

mark 3: … and they sailed right into it. 

>> I understand the epic, but did they run from the chase? If that is the case then its awesome. Otherwise you can just sit on ice and wait around 1 day near any ice/iceberg surface and your ship will naturally freeze into it. The real problem is to cut it out of ice later.

>> normally northern nomads die from starvation in new environments. If you need a bunch of people die per plot, you can describe the dying from starvation. Even if they can find locals, it is not like locals can provide a lot of spare food in a harsh environment.

mark 4:  This same deal was the exact turning point of their alliance; they discovered Ramanuleho slaves in some kingdoms.

>>... I did not understood the original point from the first try, but I got it from 4th time. I like it! Allies got cozy and do not want to go to war.

mark 5: >> at the start it is not clear that we speaking of humans. Half a story I was holding in mind "what if it is version of dwarf fortress" :)

mark 6: >> the story reminds me a fork from story of "rebellion of Spartacus". Spartacus lost, but the guys here won. Also if Spartacus won, he would probably also become a slaver - that was due to low average industrial development of that day and age. At that time, If you want to be a big boss you have to have slaves or serves . Otherwise you would be too ineffective. 

P.S. I like the story. Cheers!

P.P.S. I've just registered on the website and can miss some formatting rules. Sorry guys