The foundation is good. The exchange is interesting, and the choice of characters is appealing (Yaoi and I aren't exactly best friends, but that doesn't stop me from appreciating your work).
However, there are a couple of things that concern me.
1- While I think Axalkay is quite violent, I acknowledge that he's not wrong. My level of English prevents me from giving such a definitive opinion as he does. I will therefore focus my remarks on the depth of your descriptions and the recurrence of the words used. The excessive use of "Scrotch" makes your text rather vulgar and detracts from the depth of this carnal exchange. Used well, different images would bring a more suitable fluidity to your narrative.
"Hole" could be replaced by "intimacy," for example. "Scrotch" could be replaced by "virility," "member," "limb," and depending on the action, playful wordplay. Instead of using the action "penetrate," you could emphasize the power with the verbs "cleave," "pierce," or "slay," and then follow with a description of pure orgasm or even of carnal pain that is ultimately pleasurable, as if to build intensity to the act. This would have been less crude and more nuanced.
I say this, but I can only follow the principles of French literature. I can't do more with my limited knowledge of English. I hope my remarks can be adapted.
2- I regret the absence of one or two choice that would keep your work at the level of a narrative without elevating it to the level of a game. I'm not criticizing what has been done or your work, which remains commendable. We all have our own writing style, which may or may not appeal to everyone. That's the nature of art. However, a work without interaction can hardly be categorized as a game. Even though all roads lead to Rome, it is possible to choose your own path. Such is the nature of video games.
-One last detail: offering a paid work to understand part of the lore seems... complicated to me. https://dragonperson.itch.io/rin-in-time-immemorial . But I don't think it was done intentionally.
Please believe me when I say this, with all the goodwill I can muster given my limited English and the bluntness of French. Perhaps a second day wouldn't have been too much. But I'm not here to judge your time management. Just your work.
In any case, it's an enjoyable piece of work. And although not to my taste, it's nonetheless interesting.
Thank you for sharing your work with us. I had a pleasant little reading experience.