jesus christ. targeted attack on my location. i was taking notes as i played and ended up just writing down a bunch of lines that made me want to crawl out of my skin and writhe around bloody on the floor. "Annie. Hang up. We need to work on Blueberry's route." is now a permanent addition to my lexicon.
(spoilers)
it's tough to write about this game without constantly alluding back to my own life. i'm the same age as anita, and grew up in the same online spaces, had very similar experiences down to the DMs. "*kisses you*" aghhhhhhh wow it's like looking over my own teenage shoulder and feeling the exact same revulsion i did then.
and, to be honest, i see a lot of my younger self in sunny, especially the way she talks about cartoons, so focused on whether or not something is "good rep", needing to make sure everyone in the room knows her morals and that she is a GOOD PERSON! it feels so completely shameful to admit that. it was almost a relief to see how terrible she became, that i could no longer see my reflection in her.
"you're so gay" and "looking respectfully" were other specific turns of phrase that felt just so. fucking perfect in how they're deployed. my skin was crawling. it was like being in the 2010s again in the absolute most nightmare hell way possible. for most of the game it feels like anita is still stuck there, unable to escape.
i related a lot to anita feeling like she needed to contextualize her trauma to explain why she was drawn to taboo. i remember thinking that way about myself, my art, and my own experiences. she's looking for someone to blame for her own desires when there's nothing wrong with her desire in the first place. but being in the online panopticon also turns your eyes inward, scrutinizing yourself and everything that's ever happened to you as if it's a narrative that can be cleanly dissected.
i loved how much anita's inner dialogue differed from how she actually expresses herself (up until the end). i could feel her fear of articulating any kind of dissent. i felt the panic and dread of someone not liking you, being mad at you, saying things about you where you can't see them.
"it was too easy for someone like me to become one."
god. we are all too afraid of ourselves. phenomenal work.