Read the full VN off-stream.
I'll start with the positives - I really dig some scenes, and you managed to hook me with the setting&plot, so kudos for that! I like the title drop, and in general I feel like the whole "blob" of story is decent for the demo/hook.
I feel like the best part of demo is the Napoleon/Jeanne/Marie scene. You do a good job of setting up the little family, just before revealing what's going on. It's a great setup to explain the "silicons can't be trusted" notion that the MC has.
However - it should've ended with the Jeanne experiment. Showing the Marie operation flashback is... what was the point? At that moment you already know that silicons (or maybe just Napoleon) are heartless bastards. Do we need some more torture porn to drive that notion home? And I already got the idea that the girl in an abandoned opera house was Marie - again, the "I want to play the piano like you daddy" was like 3 minutes before that scene. It could've been left unexplained like that, or at least let the reader wonder "is that really Marie?" for the time being instead of explaining it immediately. It could be a good scene for later - to remind the reader about how silicons are bad, and to build the Marie as a character, if she shows up later. In that particular scene - it just feels pointless.
And it also kinda ruins Napoleon, for the time being. I don't know if he's gonna show up again in the game - but, again, the Marie operation pushes him from "yeah he's bad" to "irredeemable", and that makes him flat in terms of personality. At that point you already know the "final stage" of his character development, so unless you want him to be the "force of nature" in the background - that's not very good for a character. And makes your job of developing him that much harder - because you've revealed your strong cards that early. I feel like that might be a missed opportunity - villains can be nuanced and 3-dimensional, and they make the story so much better in that case.
And I kinda feel like that's the case for a lot of characters. You have a very large cast from the get-go, but barely any get any character development.
Anastasia is obviously the secondary protagonist, but I didn't get anything from her aside from "she's very smart" and "Alcides loves her". At some point I kinda started feeling like you're trying to set her through others, and imo it doesn't work when she's right in front of you. Like - why is she smart? What makes her smart? I'd like to see it for myself, not have other characters gush over how well she led them or something. She seems to have some kind of personality, but I can't really pinpoint it. It feels like she has a lot of screentime, but at the same time - did she say anything meaningful or did anything important? Can't remember, and that's a problem.
Icarus and Euthemia are actually set up really well. They have personality, they have their roles in the relationships, they have their dialog styles. No complaints there, I remember them pretty well. Honestly - most memorable characters from the whole friend group (which is REALLY bad for Anastasia as a character in a story).
Narcissa is a child. That's her whole character. Granted - she has 12 lines in the whole script, so it's not like she had that much screentime. But at least she has some dialog quirk to remember her.
Magnes and Glaucus (had to take a peek at the script because I literally don't remember their names lmao) are plot devices. Can't even call them plot drivers - I can't tell you what they've done. They might as well not exist. I couldn't tell you anything about them.
This kinda ties back to my complaint during the stream - you dump 6 named characters on the reader, expecting me to remember them all, and then most of them (or at least half) don't get any development. Honestly - I'd leave them unnamed until they get their own development scene - it's much easier to remember the characters and grow attached to them once you're kinda 1 on 1 with them (or the character is the center of attention of the scene). I'd honestly drop Anastasia completely. If you're gonna set her up as this really smart off-screen girl - maybe she should stay off-screen? That would make her that much more hard-hitting during the reveal.
I think this is where I should pivot to the whole "disjointed pieces in time" quirk that you have going on. It's jarring at first, but I kinda got used to it. By that I mean "I stopped trying to reconstruct the timeline". Even after you mentioned that there's a colored and bw "timelines" - my head kinda doesn't register that, AND at the same time - all BW timeline is bunkers and ruins. I've read the full VN a couple of hours ago (from the time of writing this review) - and I can't remember if the "reactor talk with Anastasia" is a BW or colored scene.
At the end of the day - I kinda figured that "action scenes are in a modern timeline, probably" and everything else is a flashback. Which is fine - except I can't tell you what the action scenes lead up to. It's just running, sneaking and like 1 monster encounter? What was the point of that? At the same time - I can't really align the flashbacks into a coherent timeline - there are no indicators of which scene is prior to other scene. Well, there's the "Alcides reads the disk", and the "Alcides and Anastasia watch their father get cooked by a USB cable" - those are easy to place on the timeline.
I feel like it would be fine - but my brain is linear. It doesn't feel good to meet the character and get told that the character is really really smart from the getgo, and only after that start reading the backstory. It might work for a really interesting character - like - maybe I'd be down to read the backstory of Napoleon to figure out why he became fucked up, but not for Anastasia. Same goes for character development - it's fine to drop all characters on you at the same time, but don't expect me to care for them until they get proper development. I'll reiterate - see how "Trails of Cold Steel 1" and "Trails from Zero" do it - they do it really well.
Another point to the issue with the "disjointed scenes" is that it took me A VERY LONG TIME to figure out that the group is neither carbon nor silicon. And I know that's probably what you wanted me to think - but it's not set up well. Over time there are mentions of "carbons are after me" - where I think "oh, so we're silicon". And then comes a scene where "silicon are our enemies", where I switch to "wait, so we're carbon? Did I misread or misremember an earlier scene?". Only in the scene at some sort of hall (where Nelson comes and yaps to the group about peace treaty) did I finally manage to understand that "oh, okay, we're neither". That reveal didn't bring me joy. It didn't confuse me, so kudos for that, but I feel like it could've been established better.
I feel like that's an issue with the worldbuilding. You give the player too many pieces at the same time, and some of the pieces look very similar. I can kinda figure out that carbons are humans and silicons are not (Muv-Luv Alternative says "Hi!"), but them not being visually distinct or different in any way other than "one group lives aboveground, another is underground" makes it hard to understand who Alcides is.
Here's the thing. I feel like your style of storytelling can work, and it's VERY, VERY UNIQUE - but the writing is not really there. You're good at writing dialog, and I feel like you know it, since your scenes are very dialog heavy, and those that are stand out way above those that aren't. The "first nexus launch" voice lines are great, and actually sets up a great pace of "something is happening, oh shit!". Trafalgar-Nelson-Silicon guy exchange is good.
But your expository text is very, very dry. Uncomfortably dry, even.
I'll just drop in some quotes from the game and explain my problems.
Anastasia: "What's got you worried Alcides?" She says as she hugs her teddy bear. Anastasia: "Have faith in the plan and everything will be well." She says as sits down on the seat that's behind the helm.
First of all - you add the name tag before each voice line, so "she says/character says" is redundant. Second of all - a lot of dialog interactions are very robotic. It follows the "voice line - character action" pattern. It's fine if it's a long dialog - but a bit of exposition, a bit of a description of the body language, of facial expressions and environmental interactions won't hurt. You can convey a lot of extra emotion with the body language. "She smiles at me, her tiny hands squeezing around the teddy bear as her eyes close for a brief moment." would convey so much more of Anastasia's carefree-ness in that moment. "She hugs teddy bear. She sits. She spins in the chair. She pouts." is extremely dry and robotic.
Also - there's barely any emotion from the MC.
She pokes her finger into my cheek. My heart flutters. Anastasia: "Well? Why'd you kick the door down? Are you here for the reactor?" Alcides: "Yes. The reactor. And also for you."
"Heart fluttering" is a very powerful emotion. Is that it? He just spits out some words? No blushing, no stuttering for just a brief moment, before he manages to collect himself, no averting the eyes, no warm shivers down the spine? Come on. The MC narrates the story - let him feel a bit. That's especially jarring in interactions with Euthemia - she's supposed to be "the tease", and Alcides expresses his discomfort/thoughts verbally, but he doesn't really react to the interactions themselves.
I hate how she can just extract information out of someone like this. That's the only thing I hate about her. Alcides: "Are we done here?" Euthemia: "Seems like it, unless you have something you want to say yourself." I pick up my tray as I stand up. Alcides: "Yes. Goodbye."
Again - hate is a very strong emotion. Why not let him display, or at least feel annoyance? Irritation? Sure, he can be very good at hiding them - but it would make him feel so much more "human" if you'd let the player know exactly what he feels in the moment. And not just "I hate her."
I run blindly into the Bastille. A giant figure about five metres in height runs through the hallway in front of me barely missing my head.
Same issue as the "I walk through the streets, suffered from explosion". I thought that "Bastille" is a name of a giant figure, not the location. And yes, I know that Bastille is a prison IRL. But I don't know what that is in your world.
I follow the directions IRYS gives me as I try not to run into anything in the facility. Mutated carbon and silicon life-forms run rampant through the hallways destroying everything in their path due to them being released from their cells. Automaton parts lay scattered on the ground. I have my gun ready at hand in case I need it.
This is supposed to be an action-y scene, right? He's either sneaking or running in. But the writing is too passive for that. The only action is "I follow" there, everything else is very dry exposition. Like - do the mutants run in front of Alcides? How does he know that they're running around? The broken robot parts are on the ground - how long have they been there? Are they still sparking? Still charred? Or are they covered in dust? Has Alcides drawn a gun at the sight, or was it in his hand already?
That's the only "action" scene stood out to me, because it feels like a still description, not an action scene. I think that's the only scene that I remembered from the current timeline, purely because it felt jarringly still.
I guess what I'm trying to say is - I wish you had way more in each scene. That could be used for both character and worldbuilding. Just let the reader be there and take in the sights for a moment. I understand that it's a VN, and you have pictures - but - again - the only memorable scenes, in terms of background imagery, are the Jeanne scene and the ship scene. Which makes sense - you generally don't remember the mundane environments. Everything else is a blur - bunkers, labs. Can't tell you anything about them. So please, don't expect the images to be a substitute for good writing. A VN with shit art can be carried by great writing, but I don't think that would be the case the other way around. Make the scenes longer, add details to the environment, to the character actions, how they move, how their face moves, how Anastasia's hair flows as she bobs her head. That would add SO MUCH LIFE to your story.
And I really, really want you to add more life to your story. I genuinely started to get invested in the plot. I'm interested in what's up with silicons (couldn't care less about carbons tbh, their setup was lacking imo), I'm curious at what happens to the peace deal (even if I only care about Icarius and Euthemia). But it feels like there's not enough meat on the bone to really put me into the world.
Couple of side notes which I couldn't weave into the main review.
IRYS is in the eye? It's an AI? Your plot is non-linear? Are you sure you haven't played "AI: THE SOMNIUM FILES - nirvanA Initiative"?
As kemomic already said - "Ship of Theseus" scene was horrible. I genuinely cringed. That's a problem with writing - the concept of "Ship of Theseus" might be new to the characters, but it's NOT new to the reader. Having explain the idea without adding anything to it, or without having the characters debate it in any way is a waste of readers time. I genuinely hated that scene, like actually "I stand up from my chair and shake my head. A sharp exhale leaves my lungs, my fingers pressed deep into the nasal bone. I stand there for a second or two, trying to figure out if I wanna go have a smoke or smash my head into the wall. The smoke wins. My steps echo through my empty apartment as my eyes scan the nearby tables and counters for a lighter. As my ass plants into the couch at my balcony and the cig is finally glowing with it's tiny, orange ember - I throw my head back and blow the smoke into the air. I had more philosophical thoughts while taking a shit."
I'd honestly cut that scene. It doesn't set up anyone, and feels pointless. I think I caught a couple of other "parallels to greek mythology" - I remember Tartarus being mentioned somewhere. I don't know how to feel about that - at some point it might become too much. Even without the ship of theseus copypasta.
Trafalgar's death is goofy. Blud got cooked by the aux cord lmao.
Alcides getting separated from Anastasia is kinda tone-deaf. I guess it could be better if there was more exposition text about how the character feels - but right now it's just "we will meet again" - "okay". Doesn't feel like a brother and sister getting separated.
The abbreviations feel a bit forced. IRIS could be a cool one if I hadn't seen it in Somnium Files. Also - IRIS and IRYS? Come on. Same with ASMR (can't remember what it stood for). Sure, it's sci-fi - but it felt a bit jarring. But maybe that's just me.
Anyway. I don't hate it. It's okay, decent even. The hook is there, but there's a lot of stuff standing in front of it. I'd agree with pretty much everything kemomic says - get a second pair of eyes to help you write it, the "dryness" really ruins the mood.
I'll edit this message with the VOD clip later, still haven't got around to clipping the streams.